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| Gender: |
Female |
| Age: |
48 |
| Location: |
United States, Alabama, Dothan |
| Connection: |
| No connection |
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| Smoking Habits: |
Regularly |
| Yahoo IM: |
pattidothan7 |
| Languages: |
English |
| Gender: |
Female |
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| one of the many miracles of recovery |
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10/31/2006
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10/19/2006
howdy.. lol 
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10/04/2006
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10/03/2006
Nice to meet you! 
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09/27/2006
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09/27/2006
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09/24/2006
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patti m January 2, 2007, 9:42 am |
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| i am still a rock sometimes |
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A winters day
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Dont talk of love,
But Ive heard the words before;
Its sleeping in my memory.
I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.
-paul simon
i remember when i was young and in religion class, i dont remember what grade, but i had a teacher who liked to bring his guitar to class. kinda strange, but i guess he kept it interesting that way. i remember him playing the simon and garfunkel song "i am a rock", boy am i old, huh? lol. i don't remember what he said about the song in his lesson, but i remember what i thought about, and what i still think about today when i hear it.
i was a little young when i first heard it, but even at that time i thought it was kind of a sad song, because it was about someone who was incapable of, or chose not to feel feelings. as a child i thought this was sad because it meant this person could not be happy. i didn't have any idea at that time just how realistically that song would reflect how i felt in my life, before, especially during, and even sometimes after my active addiction. it would become sort of an anthem to me.
i was not always incapable of feeling, i know i did experience all sorts of feelings growing up, but by the time i came into adulthood, i had become very adept at deciding just what i would allow myself to feel. until somewhere along the line the pain became so great i just shut down,and stopped feeling anything. that may sound crazy to whoever reads this, but i believe i had developed the ability to just not feel. i was a rock, and i didn't cry. or laugh. especially as my addiction progressed.
one of the most wonderful gifts recovery has given me is the ability to feel. when i first came into recovery i was totally shut down and isolated. i felt nothing, not even shame or remorse. no sadness or joy, just numb. slowly that began to change as i developed the tools necessary to cope with my feelings. at one point i believe i started to feel the full range of emotions, just as God intended. i learned to love and be loved. but in all lives, a little rain must fall. i experienced the end of a relationship, had some other losses and before i realize it, im alone and numb again. it is my defense mechanism i guess. i find my walls coming back up today. the familiar numbness creeping back in. i'm finding it hard to love or accept love again.
the difference between then and now is that now i can recognize what i'm doing and change the pattern of behavior. i have the ability to change today. the question is, will i change or will i continue to wallow in it? what i have learned is, when the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change, i will change. i'm learning to lower my walls, but i am not yet as adept at taking them down as i am at building them. i am a work in progress.
this was originally written on novenber 20th, 2006. today is december 28th, 2006 and all bets are off. my walls are up high and reinforced. and there they will stay. it is not worth the pain of loving and losing. i used to think i'd rather have the dance than miss out, but not any more. score one for men. i am arock and a rock feels no pain. i like it that way. |
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