|
|
What's wrong with me
Posted on: 03/13/2007
So i woke up in the middle of the night just now, I was having a great dream, and I was cuddled up with Shaun, and I'm laying there, and cant' get back to sleep because out of the blue, i woke up thinking about work. I don't know why it decided to come to me in my sleep, but I just realized that i'm working on Fri from 6pm-2am, and then i'm spose to come back at 11am. This gives me 9 hours to wind down, eat dinner, go to bed, sleep what, 6 hours? and get up an hour and a half before work so I can put on makeup and eat breakfast and get to work on time. Now, anyone who knows me well knows that I have sleeping problems. I can fall asleep anywhere anytime for no reason or any reason, and then once i'm out, i can't wake up for about 8 or 9 to 12 hours. There's nothing I can do about it. I can't drive far alone, because I fall asleep behind the wheel. I can't get in pt in my video game without falling aslelep, basically, I've got sleeping issues. It controls my days, I do not control when I sleep. Great example, right now. I want to be sleeping, but i'm too stressed. I won't be able to sleep, and then when I do, I won't be able to wake up. Well anyways, enough about that. I constantly feel like the girl doing the schedule is purposly trying to be mean to me through my hours at work. I don't know why. Does she get some sick satisfaction knowing that I need my job, and she has control over me? Or does she honestly just need me to work those hours. Also, she told me to write a little note, and put it in her box, if I had any special requests for my hours. So I did. I told her I'd rather get off work at 8--10 pm so that I can see my boyfriend occasionally. Because of his hours, when I work 6-2s 3 or 4 days in a row, that means that I don't see him for 3 or 4 days. She doesn't care. And why should she care whether I see my boyfriend or not. What she doens't realize is that he's the only person I have contact with from day to day. When I can't see him for a few days, I feel so alone, and worthless and depressed, because I have no friends, no family that wants to see me (cept my dad, and he can't) and no one to talk to. I'm beginning to hate my life. I love my job, I love it so much, but I can't handle these hours. Another thing that sucks about it, is that I went to a meeting last Saturday. One of the few in the area. And I loved it. I was suppose to be there, really. There was a girl there my age, and I became friends with her, and I think God put us on a collision path, we were meant to meet. The meeting really hit home, and made me realize what I"ve been putting off. I need to go to more meetings. Unfortunatly, they are usually around when I'm taking my lunch break. My life just feels so artificial right now, and I have no way to stop it from spinning out of control. A really great guy I know just relapsed, and the girl I met at the meeting is in a relapse. I don't think I will, but I don't have control over that. All I can do is get to a meeting, and I can't! It's so frustrating. Every week that I look at the new schedule, I realize that I am noone. They can replace me easily (with a person, not with a person like me) and they will. They don't need me, but I seem to need them, but it feels like I'm just taking abuse, and I'm too chicken to try and do something about it. Someone suggested that I get a doctor note, and that might help. I wonder if they'll take a psycologist's note. "Vanessa is losing her fucking mind, please change her hours so we don't lose her forever." and that's exactly how it feels. What the hell do I do? I need a job, and there aren't any here, and I just can't take this anymore. It feels like they are completely abusing me. I'm at the bottom of the scedule, only 2 people below me and those 2 were encouraged to transfer. It's not seniority, because I have more then a couple people above me, and the same as about 4 more. I feel like I'm being singled out and picked on. Why me? Please help me, I'm really going down fast....
|
|
|
 |
|
