Eight years ago today I walked into a 6 month inpatient treatment center, completely broken.  I had two babies I had just delivered prematurely.  Each weighing 2 pounds.  While pregnant I had gone to the doctors twice.  After my second visit they told me that if I didn’t clean up they would turn me into the authorities.  I never went back.  I thought I could kick all the bad "habits" on my own; after all they were just "habits".  I didn’t know that I had a disease.  I thought that if I cared enough about my babies I would stop for them.  After 7 months of failing miserably at trying to control my disease I was in the hospital feeling lower than I had ever felt in my life.  I was full of guilt and shame.  I couldn't believe what I had become.  I wanted the nurses to give me something to take the edge off.  I didn’t want to feel.  Even though they gave me all sorts of drugs it wasn’t enough to quiet my head.  I had someone sneaks something into the hospital for me.  All I could think of was feeding my disease.  I had social workers, nurse’s doctors all reminding me of what I had done.  I wanted to die.  I continued on for three weeks of getting loaded hardly ever visiting my babies in the hospital. One night after I had promised myself yet again that I was going to stop I found myself loaded wondering how I could have done it again.  I think I had what others describe as a moment of clarity.  I got on my knees, (which was easy because I was already on the floor hallucinating, picking things out of the carpet that weren't there) I asked God to help me sober up for my daughters.  A few days after that prayer I was put into a detox facility where I got loaded once more.  Then I walked into my first meeting of alcoholic’s anonymous feeling different from all of you.   I thought I was the worst person ever because of what I had done to my daughters.  AA was the only place I felt I wasn’t judged.  When I told you my story you welcomed me and loved me despite of what I had done.  You cheered when I announced I hadn't gotten loaded that day and reminded me that I was a miracle, just like the rest of the people at the meetings.  I felt a part of;  like I had never felt before.  I got a sponsor because I heard people talk about the relief they felt from working the steps.  Because although I was dry I was still in extreme emotional pain.  Little by little my life has come together.  My baby girls were returned to me when I was 8 months sober.    I’ve experienced extreme ups and downs in sobriety from homelessness to marriage.  At 4 years sober I was blessed with a wonderful husband and my first pregnancy in sobriety.  This was my chance to do it "right".  I took great care of myself.  Within seconds of my son’s birth he stopped breathing that would be the beginning of surgeries and hospital stays.  Three days before his 4 month birthday he passed away in my arms.  Through this whole time I had AA reminding me to practice the principles of the program and trust in God.  I learned that I could walk through anything with the help of AA and a loving higher power. Having my son die redefined my sobriety and unbelievably brought me closer to my higher power.  2 years after my son passed I gave birth to another set of twin girls!  My old sponsor used to say our problems today are of abundance, in my case that couldn't be truer. I have more than I could have ever imagined.  Because of that I need to stay closer to AA than ever. As I write this I'm embarking on another chapter in my life.  I'm on a plane headed to Texas in preparation to move away from the state I have always called home. Although I trust my Higher Power to walk with me on this new adventure I'm scared.   So it’s back to basics for me at 8 years sober.  I will do what I was told when I was new.  Show up, trust God, clean house, and work with others.   I'm just grateful that I don't ever have to be alone if I don't want to that no matter where I go God and AA will always be there for me and for that  I am truly grateful.

One of the thing's that I love about traveling is checking out different meetings.  Me and my husband drove his car down to Texas and stopped in Vegas. Before hitting the casino's I wanted to pay up on my insurance, so we headed off to a metting. I heard a wonderful chair.  A man from Arizona spoke of when he was new and being self absorbed.  He said one of the old timers in his group took him to the side and told him three thing's that would help him to get out of self. 

One: You can think of God all you want @ anytime day or night.  

Two: Read ONE sentence out of the big book a day and reflect on what it means to you.

Three: If you have to think of yourself let it only be in thinking of how grateful you are for being sober and how bad your life was before coming into the program.

I thought that was some great wisdom.  I've been trying to practice it myself. 

So this is a real hard thing for me too write about but I know that I'm not alone.  So before I ever picked up a drink/drug I had issues with my weight.  I once lost 50 in about 2 months by throwing up and eating very little.  This is very embarrasing for me.  Now that I'm clean this is what I struggle with the most.  After having my second twins and gaining 40lbs I'm back doing my same routine of binging and purging.  I realize it's just like my alcohol/drug addiction.  I just wanted to put it out there because I need to be honest and this is the one area in my life that I find it the hardest to talk about. 

Thanks for listening.  I would appreciate to hear from you if you are or have ever struggled with this issue.