So here i am again, been a little while!! I hope this blog finds all my friends doing well. As for myself, I'm doing really well. I went through a couple of months juggling a decision I knew I had to make but really wasn't sure of. I know you all probably know the kind. The ones where you don't know if you're making the right decision and after you make it you better hope it was the right one because that's what you're stuck with!! Well on top of fighting that decision just because I wasn't sure I was going to make the right one I knew people were going to get hurt and that always makes things 10 times harder these days. I don't like knowing that people are going to get hurt. So anyway I finally made this decision and it was to end a relationship I've been in for a little while now. I actually am almost positive I made the right decision. That feels pretty good today. Not only did I end something that wasn't going anywhere anymore, I also now feel like I finally am getting the ability back to make correct decisions in my life. Of course, I did it with the help of my sponsor and very close friends but it's ok. It all turned out better than I could've even expected it to turn out.  I hate having to make decisions and I also hate change, even when it is for the best. It's difficult being sober sometimes. Not drinking or doing drugs is the easy part. It's all the other stuff that comes with it that is difficult sometimes. Here I am at about 3 1/2 years sober and I think I might be just starting to understand things a little better. That's soooo cool. I'm really happy with where my life is today. I'm really grateful for all the friends I have in sobriety that help me on a daily basis.  I'm just really grateful today. Pretty awesome considering where I came from. So I just wanted to touch base with everyone and kind of let you all know I'm doing ok. I'm doing more that ok, I'm truly HAPPY. All that time searching for happiness and it's been right here all the time. All I had to do was sit still and it came to me!!! May God Bless All of you!!! I love you all

I figured I would post my blog also incase someone misses Angelas. YEA, we're going to World in San Antonio and yes we're EXCITED. We are wondering who else from 12SS is gonna be there. Hope to see you guys there.

The funeral was today for my friend who Od'd. I can't even begin to put into words all the emotions I'm going through right now. But I will say the main thing I'm feeling is thankful. Not that she's gone, but that my mom won't ever have to go through that. As Sandy's mom stood next to her daughter in the casket, I found myself with an overwhelming feeling of "Oh my God, that could've been my mom and I didn't even care." Do we really realize, even in sobriety, what we REALLY did to people? I know I didn't until today. I saw Sandy's young boys grieve for a mom that they never really had. Sandy's parents were grieving the loss of a daughter they really lost years ago. Sandy's dad is a preist so he did the service. As he was desribing her, it took me back to all the memories we have together. Even though they are memories from a life I never want to go back to, I will always treasure them. While her dad was doing the sermon, he touched a lot on addiction. How it has a hold of people so strong that they do anything that addiction wants them to. I guess it might have touched me a little bit more that the "normy" because of my recovery. I know there is hope. I know Sandy is in a better place today. I know that seeing all the hurt her family was going through gave me a better understanding of what I don't ever want to put my familly through again. I want to write a little of what was in her memorial because I feel it speaks to people like us.......addicts and alcholics.

He said he'd never leave us

To face our trials alone,

And though sometimes we fail Him,

He never fails His own.

And even when our choices

Are less than He would ask,

He knows when human courage

Is unequal to the task.

I'm in a lot of pain today. I lost a friend, even though our lives chose different ways. Sandy was my friend. I HATE this disease and the havoc it creates. I love each and every one of you and I wish you another 24 hours of recovery.

I'm mentally & physically exausted. I've gotten a lot added to my plate at work. I enjoy the fast pace of it all, but I'm being cross trained for 2 other positions plus have to get my own work done. All I seem to be doing this week is going to work, coming home and going to bed. I'm still trying to get end of the year stuff done as far as inventory goes and it's just running me into the ground.

The good side of it is that I've really gotten involved with my home group again. We decorated tonight for our Christmas party and I saw some faces I hadn't seen in awhile. I also talked to a member of my home group tonight about getting on the Steer Ropin' Comittee. So here I am complaining about work and yet I'm trying to add more onto myself. I just really enjoy the whole rodeo sceen and would love to be involved.

I'll just be really glad when this year is over. Not that it's been a bad  year, but work will slow down and things will get back to normal. No more 11 and 12 hour work days. It's only because of sobriety that I can even hold down a job and do it to the best of my ability. So I'm gonna quit bitchin now and go to bed. I LUV YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!

I just thought this was funny. Kind of a change from my normal blogs. LOL. Some plan for the future earlier than others!!!!!!!!!!! 

God, Grant me the Serenity to Accept the things I cannot change.....

The Courage to Change the things I can..........

And the Wisdom to know the difference.......

So I had another reminder last night that the only thing I can ever change is my attitude & my actions. I also have to remember that meetings are a very valuable part of my sobriety. Here lately, I've been using this site as an excuse not to go to as many meetings. I have been justifying this by saying that I'm still in contact with people in sobriety. That is a true statement, but I strongly believe meeting makers make it. So I've decided to take a computer break for a little while. I need to get back into the routine of going to meetings and spending time with people in my home group. So I'm making some changes. I LUV YOU GUYS. I'll see everyone soon.

Things have been going really good. It feels like life has finally hit that happy medium I hear people talk about in sobriety. I picked up my 2 year chip the other night and had the pleasure of taking my mom to witness that. She is absolutely the most important person in my life right next to God. It was just a wonderful feeling to have her experience that great pleasure of my sobriety with me. There were a lot of people getting yearly chips that night, the most being 28 years. It was just really great. Some times there are things that happen that I don't know how to put into words and that night was one of them. Grateful is probably the closest though.

Some days I feel truly blessed and those are the days I try to hold onto for the days to come where I don't. It's just a great feeling to go through some thing that seems absolutely awful and walk through it. When I finally get to the other side, the situation wasn't so awful after all. Funny that way. I think I'm just rambling in this blog, but I'm grateful to be able to ramble!! I'm just full of gratitude & I wanted to share that will all my family on 12SS. I LUV EACH & EVERY ONE OF YOU. THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR LIFE WITH ME.

Early in sobriety I learned that what other people say about me is none of my business. I'm not sober for other people, I'm sober for myself. I got sober because my life was absolutely unmanageable & I really got tired of the consequences that came with getting high.

When I first started going to meetings, I was a very disruptive person. I also clung to the men in the program. I guess I did this for my first year of sobriety. Then the desperation came, and I got real serious. I realized that the women in sobriety were my life line. I clung to their shirt tails and did what they did. I've learned how to be a lady by watching the women in sobriety.

But I still manage to hurt people with out realizing it. I don't know about you guys, but I definatly have a disease of perception. I have to remember that other people are sick too. They suffer from this same disease of perception. Progress not perfection, and today I realize my faults and my character defects. The reason I realize these today is because I work a program. I have a sponsor, I go to meetings, I work the STEPS.

Meetings are my social place, like this site is. Meetings is where I learn people skills, because I didn't have any when I first got sober. This site is a place for me to meet people all over who are all working twords the same goal, to stay sober one day at a time.

But the steps and a sponsor is the meat and potatoes of sobriety. The reason I know this is because I didn't have a sponsor and didn't work the steps for the first year of sobriety and I was miserable. I am a very sick person who needs accountability and direction. I had to be shown how to pray, I had to be shown how to deal with people, I had to be shown how to do everything dealing with life on life's terms. I'm learning, with the help of my sponsor.

I'm learning to trust women again, although I've had many of them hurt me in sobriety. But I don't give up and I don't quit. I try to learn from every experience good or bad. Usually if I see something in someone else I have it or have had it.

Sobriety is about more than not drinking or using today. It's about learning how to treat people, and I'm not perfect. I have to get that direction from my sponsor, who has more sobriety than me. Who has gone through most of the things I'm going through or will go through. I also bounce everything off my female friends and because of the program, I have some today.

Even one of my female friends who hurt me really bad in early sobriety is my friend still today. We'll never be freinds like we were, but she's really trying to stay sober & I will help her in anyway I can. That's what it's all about.

I AM RESPONSIBLE......IF ANYONE, ANYWHERE REACHES OUT FOR HELP, I WANT THE HAND OF AA TO BE THERE.

I know some of you knew that I was waiting on some thyroid test results. For those of you who didn't, I went to the doctor last Tuesday for what I thought was a thyroid problem. I patiently waited for the results, which I finally received today. From what the blood work showed, I don't have a thyroid problem. Here's the catch. My doctor said that I could have a sist which would be giving me the symptoms. So I was really hoping the blood work showed something b/c a sist means surgery. YUK. I have to go for a thyroid sonogram tomarrow. This will show sist or no sist. I just want to figure out what's going on with me. I should say I want the doctor to just figure it out. The not knowing is what is hard. I just want to make a special request that you guys keep me in your prayers. I will keep this blog updated if I hear anything tomarrow. I LUV YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

So it happened again. I went to eat lunch with my mom, and there is the lady that adopted my kids. OMG. I just don't know what to think about it. I'm really trying to NOT run into her and it happens when I least expect it. Of course, my mom went to have a conversation with her, which made me feel out of place. I'm really glad that my mom still gets to be in my kids life, but at the same time, I'm jealous. I think that is probably a pretty normal feeling, considering everything.

I know I can't just hide in my house and avoid public places, but that is what want to do. This is a really small town, so chances of seeing this family are pretty good. I'm actually surprised that it's only starting to happen now. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT THE F-U-C-K TO DO ABOUT THIS. I've gotten a job offer in another town, but I don't want to run away from people, places, or things anymore. I just don't know what to do about this problem. The bad thing is, no one besides me sees it as a problem. My mom just doesn't understand why that would upset me. DUH. It's a reminder of what I don't have and what she does. I should be thanking God that I never see the kids with her. I don't know how that would go.  Probably not well.

Pray, pray, & pray some more. But pray for what? I feel like any prayer I say is going to be selfish. Please God, don't let me see her in public anymore? That just doesn't seem right to me. I know that nothing happens in God's world by mistake, so I have to wonder what the master plan in this is. It's none of my business, of course, but $HIT. I don't know.I just seems to sort stuff out better when I'm seeing it in black & white, or pink & white!!! I'm going to a meeting. LUV YOU GUYS!!!!!!!

Today is our district Gratitude Dinner. Plus this being the month of Thanksgiving, I just find myself being really thankful. In a few days, I will celebrate my 2nd birthday. WOW. I am still amazed sometimes.

I've found myself thinking of where I was 2 years ago. I was waiting on my sentencing for drug charges. I was homeless(living with "friends") and completely alone. My mom didn't want anything to do with me & I had no true friends. I was actually looking forward to turning myself in because I knew I was going to die if I kept it up. I hadn't lost material things, but what do material things really matter anyway? I mean, if you have nothing on the inside, what does the outside really matter? I was lying, cheating, & stealing from anyone I could. That was normal life 2 years ago.

I have so much to be thankful for today. I have my mom back in my life, who stands by me through the rough days and the good. I have people I can actually call my friends. I haven't seen the inside of a jail in almost 2 years. I'm almost done with my probation. I don't have to lie, cheat, or steal today. But most importantly, I have God. I have a spiritual tool kit to use. I don't always know what His will for me is, but I always know what His will for me isn't.

In early sobriety, people would tell me not to leave until the miracle happened. I know what that means today. I think I'm starting to get some of the promises this program has to offer & it's great. Not everyday is a walk in the park, but hey, that's just life.  So to anyone reading this blog, my message is the same as those old timers used to tell me. DON'T LEAVE UNTIL THE MIRACLE HAPPENS!!!!!!!!!! You guys are all a part of my sobriety and I thank each & everyone of you. And if no one's told you they love you today, I do.

My meeting last night was about balance. So I got to really thinking about it. Seems like lately, I'm not quite as balanced as I have been even in earlier sobriety. So what am I doing different? What am I doing to get some kind of balance, or "happy medium" in my life?

Well, when I get up I say the 3rd step prayer. I get to God before my head gets to me. I try to help others without any expectations in return. I stay connected to people in the program, and all of you here on 12 Step Space.

 So if I'm doing these things everyday, why are there some unbalanced days? Is it just life on lifes terms? Yes, I do believe there are days I put a lot more effort into my recovery than others, but the funny thing is, those aren't my unbalanced days.

I don't know, maybe I'm not making any sense here, but I would really like some suggestions from my friends. What do you guys do to keep that balance? Is there anything you would suggest? I would really appreciate some input on what you guys do to keep balance in your life. Thanks Everyone & God Bless!!!!!!!!!

Suggestions, that's what sponsorship is about, right? Well, I'm kind of having a rough time with that. My sponsor decided to TELL ME that I needed to chair a meeting, and which one did I want? Don't get me wrong, I know I need to be involved with my home group. But does she have the right to give me anything other that suggestions?

I woke up this morning with an emotional hangover b/c it upset me. Not only did I wake up feeling like that, I woke up late, so didn't go to work today. I feel pretty $hitty about that. I don't like confrontation, but I know the only way to let her know how I feel is to tell her.

I have played out the whole conversation in my head, which is probably not how it will go anyway. My friend told me the gerbil in my head was running extra hard in his wheel today!!! Pretty much describes my head today.

I think I'm learning from her how not to sponsor someone. She is a very nurturing person, and maybe thinks of me as one of her daughters more than just one of her sponsees.She does tell me that my delivery of information isn't the best sometimes, so I'm going to try to deliver this in the best way I can. If she gets hurt, I'm really sorry about that, but she's not the one who went to bed mad, & woke up that same way.

I'm not looking foward to this conversation, but it HAS to be done. I mean, this is my life, my sobriety we're talking about. I can't go around sweeping things under the rug like I like to do. "Everything is Fine" One of my most favorite sayings!!!!!

That's why I write in here about how things really aren't OK all the time. Sobriety is about more than just staying sober to me. It's about learning how to live life. I don't think about the drink or the drug so much anymore, as much as how can I be a better person. How can I help people today, instead of hurt them. 

The one thing about being sober, is becoming a member of society again. So I work full time at a dealership. Today, I walk up to the parts counter, and BAM, there is the lady who adopted my kids.  If you've read my profiles, then you'll know my story. Kind of difficult dealing with the wreckage of my past sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I know I did the right thing. But when I was out there using, I didn't run into "normal people". I didn't have to try to avoid places where my kids or their new family might be. Yet today, with me living life the right way, I run into these people.

So how do I deal with this? With grace & dignity. I walk through situations like this with my head held high. I pray automatically and thank God that my kids were adopted by a loving family and not seperated from eachother. I'm just grateful for a lot of things today.

Just wanted to touch base for today.

So yesterday was the Steer Ropin'!! YEE HAW Angela and myself went and had a blast. Kind of weird, I haven't been somewhere surrounded by alcohol in a very long time. The smell was discusting and no one really looked like they were enjoying themselves any more than me & ang were sober!! 

I know the answer to this question, but I still ask myself.........will I ever be completely normal? The reason this comes up is because as I was standing in line at a convenience store getting a diet coke, this chick in front of me has a syringe sticking out of her hat. Not an empty one either. So my first thought "OMG, that b***has a needle in her hat!!"  Second thought "I wonder what is in it."

So that's what got me wondering, "will a day ever come that I see a syringe and I don't start fantacising about it?" Probably not. Regardless, I like to get high, I just don't like the consequences. I don't want to live life that way.

I think maybe I was a little jealous of her. Her day will come, & she'll get caught, but for that day, she was able to do something I can't.  Normal people don't walk around with needles in their hats. I really try to avoid old people, play places, and etc. for this exact reason. My magic magnifying mind tells me they are having fun.

If getting high could still be fun for me, maybe I'd still be out there. It quit being fun a LONG time ago. It became a full time job that took everything away instead of getting ahead. I'm just really glad that I don't have to see things like that on a daily basis. And I'm really grateful for all the friends that I have to tell what's really going on with me. LUV YA.

Today was kind of "normal", whatever that means!!! My emotional rollercoaster ride has decided to let me off, atleast for a little while.  So things back to normal, or as normal as they could be right now.

I'm getting really nervous, scared I guess. I'm fixing to be released from probation in a few days. I know I don't want to drink & use anymore, but just the knowledge that I no longer have to report to anyone is a little unnerving.  I shouldn't even say I don't want to drink & use anymore, I should say I don't want to drink or use TODAY.

That's all that matters anyway, is today.  Yesterday is gone & tomarrow isn't here yet, so why am I even trippin'? I have to keep reminding myself "One Day At A Time".  Change is scary for me. It doesn't matter good or bad, just change in general.  I truly believe that God is fixing to open another door to life for me, the kind of life I deserve. I just have to stay out of the way, because like the title says, "wherever I go, there I am." I am grateful today to have learned a way to live without drugs & alcohol and for this, I am truly grateful....

Not much going on today, but I wanted to write a little bit. I am feeling much better today, although I still don't know what was up yesterday. I got to God this morning before my head got to me!!! I decided to take the afternoon off from a meeting, and went and had a nice peaceful lunch with myself!! I think the alone time really helped. I spent it meditating and thanking God for all the blessings in my life. Funny how the bad days make me really appreciate the good ones!! So I'm gonna make this short today, just wanted to say thanks for the comments, you know who you are!! I love the support that this space offers and I appreciate & love everyone of you!!