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FEELINGS!!!!!!
Posted on: 09/04/2006
Wow! Im not very good at this blog thing, so bare with me pleezzee.. #1- I totally hate feelings, cuz now being clean and sober, unfortunately I have feelings today.. But trust me Its a very,very good thing, in fact its a God thing for me after lying to me and everyone else for so, so many years.I love feeling now, unless it gonna hurt me. In this case, that seems thats all thats been happening lately. People, places and things hurting my feelings. Im a very emotional person in the first place. BIG TIME! TRUST ME!!..THATS ME.. Im hoping theirs lots of addicts like me.. I have a very dear, dear friend, I thought..Everytime she needed me with some kind of help, whether it be shoulder, an ear, or just talk and laugh, I am always their..She was having trouble in her relationship and I packed a bag and was on my way over to stay and comfort and be their for anything, and I mean anything Ya see I was always taught, even when using,, that I was a people pleasing person, really bad. But I love it.. I would do anything for anybody...She is going thru such a bad time, I was so very concerned, but their I was time and time again. It was okay though. I would of done it for anybody, but she was special.. (and always will be) ya see my sponsor who passed away 1 1/2mth ago taught me all about Faith....so it will pass and life goes on... My friend, I have done so much for, even lied..I was over-seas missed her so much I had to call her .She gets mad at me sometimes when I take her inventory, but its because Im concerned about her.. No matter if you have 20years.. It can happen in a blink of an eye. that devil that tells you can have just one more... yeah right, we know thats a bunch of bullshit...well, It seems when I have something goin on in my life, she'll give me a suggestion and hours later or the next day, she says nothing and its all about her again. I realize were self-centered addicts.. I know I can be and also we all have character defects, I so am working on ALL of mine. I mean im going thru some shit.. we all do.. But she puts material thing in front of our friendship, and Im drawing further and further apart from her.. She doesnt go to mgts like maybe, maybe one a wk.. I tell her with her problems she should go more, I even offer to pick her up.. When the last time she was going thru a real bad time and i was gonna stay, she said it would be okay, i left , and so on and so forth, she told me I was making things worseI cried and cried. Its like okay whose gonna jump first.. Im sorry, not this time.. I went above and beyond the call of duty last time and for her to say i got in the way. You would have to know what was happening, see I cant write the blogs some of u write, maybe someday, but I need to vent and try and clear my head, I do alot of service work and it works for me...I think I have my priorities pretty well in order at this time anyway.. I could get turned back around anytime..It might even be a little jealousy on my part sometimes, (do you want honesty) she's prettier, shes a whole lot smarter on the computor, knows how to do all of this, but then this weekend I went to a spiritual retreat to realize that I know everyone is different but everyone has better qualities in different areas.....Im a great gramma YAY.and good in alot of areas of my life then others, so I will work in that area and try to get better on the computor, maybe take a class. So if I ever hurt anyones feelings on here please let me know cuz I would never intentionally do it on purpose.. I know how it feels. I guess it bothers me so much, cuz I love this person so very much. but life goes on and I wish her the best in all areas of her life.. I certainly dont want to get in her way. I hope this didnt sound stupid, its me being honest and its been on my mind for a couple weeks now, and I really needed to share here also.. If no ones told u today. I LOVE U... hugzzzzzzzzzz
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