I went high tech... I noticed that someone posted a comment on this blog well I hate to type so I went ahead and got rid of that issue... The REcovery Podcast is what I am doing now....

Bruce Wayne... well we are good friends... real close if you know what i mean... wink wink

“Its a wonderful life” is a story of a man, George Bailey, who has spent his entire life running a building and loan but has nothing to show for it. Never fulfilling his dreams to circle the world and build “great things” he finds he is in crisis, broke and possibily going to prison he considers throwing away gods greatest gift for the life insurance. But God has not giving up on Mr. Bailey yet and in the end he may just find out he is the richest man in town. This is probably the greatest Holiday story of all time because it reminds the viewer what is really important. So I hope you enjoy this classic from Frank Capra yours to download now.

Well its the holidays. At least when I created this and I know this time is difficult for allot of people in recovery so I dedicated this episode to my thoughts on the holidays in recovery. I also explore one of my favorite holiday classics “Its a Wonderful Life” by Frank Capra. The next podcast is actually the movie ready for download and addition to your video ipod if you like.

I recently was invited to go to Iowa to speak at there anivisery and was astounded at how scuh a small area can have so much recovery. In this podcast I am going to share with you what I shared with them and hope that you find something useful in here. I really enjoyed myself and love speaking about recovery. Obviously since i have a podcast about it.

Today lets talk about Gods plan and how do we know there is a plan. A unique exploration from my perception that God has a plan for me to God has a plan for all of us. Another place where self centered thinking my bear its ugly head is in my relationship to god. But not anymore!

In this episode I will challenge some of the things often heard in the 12 step fellowships today. What is the difference between being proud of my fellowship of choice and recovery type elitism. Listen and decide for yourself.

What are we doing with the gift of time we have received through recovery. In this episode I discuss my changes in perception towards how I now spend my time developing a life worth living. Am I still ruled by fear in many areas of my life or am I moving forward dispite the anxiety associated with change.

In this episode of the recovery podcast we are going to discuss the most important relationships we have with another human being in our entire life. The relationships with our parents. What can we learn from these often misunderstood and always painful relationships. How have our parents truly saved our lives.

Where was God on September 11th. Released on September 11th 2007 this is one mans view on the reasons and issues surrounding this horrific tragedy. Listen as I explore the concepts and beliefs that lead to 1000’s dying and how that relates to recovery.   Is your belief centered in love or fear.

In this the third episode of The Recovery Podcast I will be exploring some of my thoughts and beliefs surrounding sex in recovery. From a secular interpretation of the Book of Genesis and the story of Adam and Eve to busting the stigma of the dreaded 13th step follow me as I break the Mindset once again. Challenging you the listener to draw your own conclusions and set down old ideas about human sexuality. A return to innocence. Nothing brings out strong opinions like this topic.

This is the second episode of the recovery podcast. Here I explore the accusations of fellowships such as alcoholics anonymous and narcotics anonymous as being cults or religions. As always I invite you to break the mindset by approaching this issue with an open mind. Lets look at the similarities between the fellowships and cults or churches as well as their differences. Also we explore the example of the Borg and how unity breads strength but can lead to weakness without the influx of new ideas and concepts. I hope you enjoy my second podcast.

The first episode of my podcast will cover common questions people will have about what I am doing and who the heck I think I am :). Here I cover such topics as Anonymity on the web and whether or not I am simply stroking my ego. If you have never listened to a podcast simply click on one of the links listed below. You can also download and listen to it later.< I hope you enjoy my first podcast and feel free to leave comments or email me. My email address is in the podcast and will not be listed on this site to prevent spamming. Ok well enjoy my first podcast…

We have finally released the new anonymousspace.com finally :) Also your user / pass from 12ss works on the site already. Your profile pick and heading will be automaitcally imported to your profile there. In the future once we get a feel for how popular the site will be we will continue to integrate the to sites together offering 12ss members to show more information on anonymousspace and vice versa.

The original site only featured my work but now anyone can upload recovery art and share it with the world. I would love this to be the site for finding recovery artwork but I can only do this with the help of this community. A few people from the site have been nice enough to test the site for us and though there may still be some cliches to iron out as they are discovered it seems to work fine.

:) ok dont quote me on that... but we have done the best we could and will continue to work on it.

Anouther bit of news is the layout I am using for my blog. Soon all blogs will appear just like mine and if you have a blog it will automatically be reformated. You will no longer be able to style your own blogs as its seems to be a complex issue and some visitors have complained about the legibility of the blogs. So I went ahead and created this format for all. We will be adding more to it as time prevails but if you have any comments feel free to let me know... :) 

Well once again i love you guys and have a great night. I am always around if you need me.

John B. 

this was a comment i posted on a blog from someone who had relapsed... It reminded me of some things I learned about addiction... so I thought I would share this with everyone see if it rings true in anyone but me :) 

actually the ultimate sacrifice is suicide when it talks about it in the book...

but anyways...

just thought i would point that out... I am sure you really feel like being corrected right now huh :)

ok here is the only thing I see with the blog you wrote... you spoke of being weak...

ROFL!

My father died of cancer... he was old and tired and the cancer just ate him up... no one ever called him weak... There where things he could have done to help himself out... maybe live longer... but no one said he was weak...

He had a disease and the Disease killed him thats all they said... now when one of us dies from this disease we may want to get angry at them but in reality there really is no difference... What the programs asks of us to stay clean / sober is very hard to do... most of us wont be able to do it forever cause it is just that difficult to do day by day...

but there is hope some of us do it... some of us do die clean after many years in the deal... and if you ask some of these people they would not have considered themselves strong... they may have considered themselves weak BUT having the ability to use the strength of a power great them selves GOD...

So get over yourself... yes your weak... Im weak... we are all weak... when it comes to this disease we are powerless... we are weaker then it is.. HELLOO!!!

So what do we do... move on to step 2... :)

To things many like me have issue with. But here I am thinking more about the unconditional love that our higher power has towards us. Gods love is unconditional and that is something that my logical mind has a hard time understanding. Because I try to understand it.

In active addiction I learned that nothing is free and without strings attached. Even in the program I must remember I am dealing with human beings and that God has made us falable. Why would a devine being not make us perfect. Cause he is really really smart. There are numerous reasons why he has done this but I dont really want to go heavy into that right now. My ideas as to why we are not perfect and why it is such a good thing.  But lets just say that strive for perfection is to strive to be God... so we are going to make mistakes... we are going to do out right bad things... and I think God knows this... it is part of his plan... We , unlike any other creature on the planet, have free will.

What does that mean... Free will... It means we have a choice in what we do... The wolf does not decide to kill the rabit it is instinct that drives him to do that. When we look at nature we may feel that it is cruel and unfealing... that is because we have a little thing called reason. No other creature on the planet can do this to our level. No other creature can do evil they just do... But no other creature can do good... they just do...

So with this free will comes the ability to do good... that is truly a gift...

So why does God love me and forgive me... well because he made me... most parents i have talked with have told me there is nothing there child can do to make them stop loving them... So I think is true with God... He is the parent (the perfect parent) and we as his children recieve his grace (getting something good regardless of deserving it).

So for me knowing that God loves me has nothing to do with my blessings... job, car, girlfriend, even recovery... because if I was to do that then I would begin thinking that the value of his love can be mesured by how many blessings are bestowed on someone. I loose the car and the job I think I did something to piss god off :) Nothing could be further from the truth... So why ask why... why is the worst question i can ask in regards to what God does... like I am ever going to get an answer I am satisfied with...

SO i try to just know and move on...

The thing is now becomes how do I feel about me... ACK!!! Thats always a scary thing to really look at. :) I love people who pray to be see themselves as god does... I also am reminded of someone who once said that if you are beating yourself up you are critizing Gods work.

So accepting Gods forgiveness is truly an important part of forgiving ourselves (myself) because if I can accept that God has forgiven me then I the only real question is what makes me better then God when it comes to judging people.

So who is judging me and beating me up... well if you stick around the rooms for a while you will find out what I have... my disease... regret is just anouther form of fear... and boy how my disease feeds on that stuff... 

Ok so the other day i got "a hold" of this crappy movie and started watching it. What the hell has happened to our entertainment industry. This movie is completely fucked up and stoopid. But then again it made me think. People payed good hard earned $ to see this filth. As the goverment tries even harder to control our intake of tabaco products and the Christian coiliation is hard at work making sure a nipple doesnt show up on TV and heaven forbid we see a husband and wife make love in a movie... the HORROR!!! I guess the industry has finally figured out that violence can be shown without reason or consequence. Now don't get me wrong I am not for government intervention but it is striking to me what society deems acceptable and entertaining.

Do you know that many of the most horrorifying movies come out of Asia and yet even in there pornograghy it is against the low to show a pubic hair. Our bodies are the sorce of shame but our violence our rage is splash upon the screen for all to see in great detail.

And who finds it entertaining to see anouther human being being totured even if it is only a movie. Are we not the Romans sitting in the colosium screeming for anouther beheading.

Let me tell you this. I watched the first scene in the movie where the man is covered in hooks and had to turn it off. I thought i was going to vomit.

I see a trend...

House of 1000 corpses -> Saw series -> Audition -> whats next. The funny thing was I find myself become desensitized to this stuff. When i first so House of 1000s corpse I thought it was way over the top and just to much. But with newer movies H of 1000 C's is actually pretty good. At least Rob Zombie had a certain style to his Horror movies. And in the end everyone died... YES! And Audition had a decent story although it did make my stomach sick at times. I watch horror to feel scared not sick.

But the worst part of the saw series... besides it is just stoopid...

It seems like the writers art trying to make people sympathize with Jigsaw. Now Rob Zombie did that with his Rejects but it was because they where wacked. But Jigsaw is trying to help people. Ok Holywood you are stoopid... and you must think that your audience never made it past the 6th grade. That we have never heard of post tramtic stress disorder. The only thing I find myself wanting is for Jigsaw to be trapped in one of his own machines that never happens. Perhaps involving Barnie or Teletubies till his ears bleed. He is a stupid psychotic character allog the lines of Hannible anouther stoopid character with the exception of Man Hunter and Silence of the Lambs once he removed that agents head in Hannible I lost all respect for him as a character. I can understand why they had to get a new actress to play Clariece because the script was dumb.

Do not mistake this with a movie critism because it is not. Just as the Romans form of entertainment reflected there decadent and morally absent society so must we look at ourselves.

So you may ask why did I watch the movies. Why did I sit through The Cook, The Thief his wife and her Lover and not walk out as many people did. Because there is that naging part of me that cries wimp... I don't know if you can understand that. I keep wanting to watch the rest of Saw 3 because i feel week that i couldn't take it. Isn't that just like an Addict. And that is part of the problem. I wont enjoy the movie but I feel it is something I must endure to prove I am not a wimp or weak or a coward or a punk... and so on...

And it si that type of thinking that will take me back out. I quit using dope because I was weak, I couldnt hack it, I was a wus, and i was not strong enough...

to continue killing myself...

THANK GOD FOR THAT! 

Want to see a good movie... with action and a good message. "V for Vendetta"

"God is in the Rain" 

I know I try to keep things on the positive in my blog. Focus on the solution and not rapped up in the problem but then something happens and you really want to kill a whole bunch of mother fuckers. And you start thinking that people just generally suck. I guess I need to remember that one person does not repressent people.

So I am coming home from my moms tonight after picking up my niece and sister at the airport and there is this huge traffic jam. I mean huge like it takes me 45 minutes to go like 50 feet in this thing. And I am exiting with everyone else and this monster of a suburban smashes into the back of my car. Traffic is all backed up but I wait for the police officers who are directing traffic to come over. The other guy has no inssurance and no license. And tells the cop this and he tells us to go down the street and pull into the gas station. That someone will be down there in  a second to work this all out. I am a fool. I asked the officer to right down his license plate instead of doing it myself. And I go down to the gas station and this guy rabbits.

Why i dont think straight in crisis situations is beyond me. But i give chase and actually catch the guy. Yet I still dont write down the plate. I just think I will remember it. I even think a few times. write it down.  I tell him I have his plate number and not to run again. He agrees to follow me back to the gas station. I am a fool...

He rabits again this time I loose him. To many different places he could have gone after I loose sight of him. Nobody knows the plate. The police take a report for my insurance I can just hope I have unisured motorist but I don't know since it is with my moms company and she setup the policy.

Even if we caught the guy there is no way to get him to pay for the damage. The car he was driving wasnt worth what the damage done to my car was. But what really irks me is he ran lied and was a down right piece of fucking shit about the whole thing. Why do some people just plan suck. He had friends in the car with him. People like that shouldnt have friends because that just reinforce each others beliefs... I keep wanting to type that they should be rounded up and shot. But thats just because I am angry. And I am angry... I used to love being so very angry... the old me would have been bullshit about the whole thing... I would have been agressive and angry and I would propbaly have the plate number and his wallet right now. And I still would have wanted to shoot him in the face.

And it really wouldnt have had to be done to me its not like that. If I heard about it I would be angry at the piece of shit that would do that to anouther person.

I think thats what really bothers me. Its the way some people treat other people. The are EVIL maybe I should have been worse in my active addiction. If I had done some more stuff I could empathasize but most of my addiction was focussed around killing myself no other people.

Recovery says that it is my fears that will lead me to pick up. If you want to know my biggest it is that I am cursed. :) Sounds dumb but when things seem to pile up on each other. When good news always seems to be followed by worse news. When every time I stop to take a breath the carpet is pulled out from undernieth me. I get hopeless...

It just happened so may tomarrow things will look different. But tonight I hope God can figure out something because I am at a loss.

I hope everyones christmas is going better than mine. I hope you find love and happiness and have a safe christmas. I would say that I am greatful I am not in the hospital... but that would be lieing because I dont feel that way. I am greatful that I didnt even think about using over it... not once...  

I have been looking for a reason to do a blog... this letter is as good as it gets... fun stuff fun stuff :)

 ps- Went to a meeting today so there

I understand what you are saying... we are all welcome to our own opinions... thats kewl thats what makes recovery so awesome... is that it is such a melting pot of ideas... what reaches one person might not reach another... thats kewl... Our store is definatly Sicker Thann Others :) thats just a fact but allow me to explain myself if i can for just a minute... your opinion is yours and I am not trying to make everyone happy.... stopped doing that at around 2 years clean... :) First and for most when i picked up 10 years I really noticed something about myself... I had done the work and learned so much but some areas of my life where still so unmanageable. Having ten years I had acquired a sense of what I can only refer to as arrogance looking back... That feeling of what now... sure helping others was great and taught me allot but why do I need a sponsor I mean really I have ten years... It was at that time that I met next sponsor and I proceed to tell him just what I believed the program was about and how it should be worked... What i didn't realize till later was that the next sentence out of his mouth was the best thing that could have happened to me... he told me to shut up...

Not in so many words but the point came across.. I was aghast... yeah this guy had 16 years but really all us old timers with ten years kinda have a club... the cured ones right... hah... I still had allot of financial problems and wasn't doing much better in regards to relationships with the ladies :) I was and still am on anti depressants but I was having trouble sleeping.. not a problem today... What he taught me... something that I had forgot or alluded me was that I was living in fear again... That the steps and recovery where never really about drugs or alcohol or food or sex or money or whatever turnips :) That the root of the problem was self centered fear... that my problems where still being created by the actions I did in response to the fear I lived in... and that the only answer to that fear was faith and action... kinda hand and hand... faith without action is dead... It really did help allot.. and I could go on and on infinitum about that but I wont bore you because that is not the point of our little story of how STO came to be... called STO.. and why our merchandise often bears the phrase I am sicker thann others... It is because the belief that I was not almost killed me... I have been prone to suicidal thoughts even through recovery... I was hospitalized at six years because I had a complete mental break down and was afraid I was going to kill myself... am I sick... today... yes...

I have a disease from which there is no cure... it is very crafty and it sneaks in and whispers in my ear that I should be afraid... that I am alone... that nothing will ever be better... that is my disease and it is quieter now but not gone... it strikes at me when I am weak... like when my father passed away at 8 years clean... it tells me what a horrible son I was... and it tells me that I am not sick...

What is the worst thing you can tell someone who is desperate...?

that they know what to do... that they have all the answers... that they are fine... the best thing that you can tell them... is that they are sick... but they can feel better... if the follow a few simple instructions... not be cured... not be like some perfect being who never stumbles.. never feels his illness...

So why I am sicker thann others... cause if I wasn't I wouldn't need a sponsor... someone who is ahead of me on the path... some who knows a little more than me and can teach me... this is what I tell myself during those times in my life where I think I am the only one who had anything good to say at the meeting... and then go home and stare at the ceiling wondering why I feel so bad... at these times nothing is more disheartening then the belief that I am completely healthy... that no one can teach me anything... I will continue to be sick until the day i die... and with this belief I will continue to seek our those of who might help me... and I will continue to reach out to those who are not as sick as I to whom I can help...

I thank god every day that I am sicker thann others!

Well I just wanted to give my perspective about how I came upon the name of our company... my intention is not to be a thorn in the side of recovery... but perhaps to some of its members who may need that thorn to wake them up to the reality of what is really going on... No I love the meetings... I love the new comers... and I love the sadness.. the joy... the struggles... that we all go through in the rooms... I will for no being, save God, apologize for the name of our company... but I don't think that is what you where saying... I love the name I love the shirts... I love the websites that our shirts allow us to fund... its a wild ride... that can be terrifying or exhilaratingly depending on how I look at it...

Thanks for the feed back this letter should make a good blog :) I kinda went off there But it was fun... don't yeah think... Live Love peace and jello... Johnny B.

--------- the letter I recieved...... :) 

Hey Mr. Baker 

Thanks for the E-mail, nice site and merchandise. I'm in recovery and have a few years clean and have to tell you that it is hard to get past the word sick, sicker, sickest whatever! because I am in recovery and I'm not using so I believe I am not sick and not different - I wouldn't  buy any merchandise with relation to sick - you know what I mean? 

Happy Holidays - A concerned citizen... actually name withheld by me because it isnt important... :)

So not everyone works a program... we all know this... or perhaps not everyone works a program like I think they should :) Anyways...

This is to let people know that 12SS was the target of a cyber attack last night with the sole purpose of bringing down the site corrupting site data and perhaps more... Muni rose to the challenge and battled long and hard with this intruder until we where the only ones left one the field... well it is our field... there is the home field advantage...

So for now the storms have calmed the appropriate people have been contacted and we look up seeing the blue skys and wondering if this is the eye of the storm or not :) 

Ever been in the eye of a huricane. It is so peaceful... the skys are totally clear and the fact that the worst of the storm surrounds you on every side could never enter your mind... I have been in the eye... its very kewl...

Anyways... just wanted to let you know that we are now an official site.. we have been attacked :) And some people have no connection with what is there higher power. Have no idea what a spiritual principle is and lead very hollow and sad lives. Even though ofcourse my first reaction was anger... once the recovery kicked in and the site was secured I felt nothing more then pitty for this poor person because we all know what living a life like this is about and who truly suffers the most... 

Oh and thanks for all the support this week from all our members... YOU GUYS TOTALLY FUCKING ROCK!!!  We have had the best week ever... thanks allot we love all the love..

october 14th of 1995... why would i ever want to think of that day... the love of my life had dumbed me several months maybe years earlier...i thought she was the answer to why i always felt so bad... why did I always feel so bad... I wanted to die every day getting up facing the day.. drinking because i had sworn off drugs at that point... didnt numb the pain... what pain you might ask... had you hurt yourself... had someone injured you...

who was it I will fix em... I will get em back... I will right the wrong...

I didnt evn have that kinda of energy... I didnt even want to die to show them anymore... Ill show them I will just kill myself and then they will care... we really loose the ability to think correctly when our addiction / alcoholism (whatever ism) has us by the nuts... we make no sence... oh wait is that cross talk... :) I really had lost the ability to make any sence what so ever... I loved nothing in life... I desired everything and beleaved I would never get any of it... I was sleeping on a friends couch... (he wasnt part of the problem... not an addict knew him for a long time) I still had a TV... the kind that required a pair of plyers to change the chanel...

None of this was the problem... well lets continue... so October 14th 1995... It was late at night... I was hung over and miserable... I called the suicide hotline... (came to understand later that i did not call them because i wanted to die... no one calls the suicide hotline because they want to die... they call it because they want to LIVE!!!)

All I really remember is the operator told me to go to a meeting...

So the next day I went to my first meeting ever... I mean ever... didnt even know what they where about...

These people are just like me but they are talking about it... what the f***is wrong with them. My father told me you never talk about this stuff... my drugie friends never wanted to hear it... BUZZ KILL!!! But yet here they where a room full of people talking about it... I dont have to explain what it is do I... we all know what it is...

Or do we

I thought i did for a long time in the deal... years and years...

6 years clean I through myself into the psyche ward... total mental break down... (severe depression is what they called it) ... what do i call it... total and completely consumed by the most lethal force to any addict, alcoholic, food addict, sex addict, .... whatever...

FEAR! 

 ofcourse I didnt even notice that at the time... depression ok... I will go with that your the doctor...know how you depress an animal... this is a clinical method... you punish it no matter what it does... it soon learns that there is now way out... it gives up...

which is what I had done...

So what have i learned in 11 years...

My problem is not drugs... my problem is not booze (if we think there is a difference there is not)... my problem is not sex... my problem is not relationships... my problem is not you or them or it... its not money... its not work... we getting the point yet... :)

My problem is FEAR!!!

so it has taken me 11 years to figure out the problem... I wish the rest of you a much faster track then I... because fear can rule you in recovery as easily as out of it...

but isnt fear sometimes good... NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO ... made my point...

fear is evil... fear is bad... fear is the killer of our loved ones... fear destroys people... fear ruins friendships... fear... god I hate fear...

And yet I am ruled by it in many ways even today... there is no significant other sitting on my be watching TV... there are no little ones running around... my life is not full of expierences... and I have more phobias then I care to mention...

fear makes you lonely... fear tears away at your soul... fear makes you resent the good furtunes of your friends... because of your envy...

and all of my fears have always been focussed on me... selfcentered... I wont get it... I will loose it... I am not good enough... smart enough... I wont succeed... she will leave me... she will hurt me... I am not cool enough (ok see how irational my fear is.. we all know thats not true)...

so what is the opsite of FEAR...

most people will tell you courage... HAH!!! whatever...

We know better...

FAITH... ofcourse... I CAN NOT OVERCOME MY FEARS.... say it with me

I CAN NOT OVERCOME MY FEARS...

I need God to do that... I have tried... over and over again... for 11 years... I will just grin and bear it... I will just face it... I will just walk through it...

THAT DOESNT WORK... many of my comrads have fallen because of this mentality so make no mistake... it doesnt work... I am sure when my friend John put the pistol to his temple and pulled the trigger he had just become exhausted...

I... thats the problem.... I f***I...

I cant do s***Step 1... anything I try to do I I I I destroy... I am a plague on my own life... I am MY own worst enemy.... so what do I depend on...

WE....

Me and God... WE... 

So I came to this realizations today. I have been sleeping. And it really pisses me off. I know you may be saying what sleep is good lotsa people cant sleep. Well lets just say that is not what I am reffering to as sleeping.

I have been sleeping awake. Get up do this do that... what the hell did I do today go to sleep. BLAH FUCKING BLAH... I refuse to go to sleep again... I spent so much time in my life sleeping. The days blend together night turns into day and back again. Where the hell did this week go... where the hell did this month go... WHERE THE FUCK DID THIS YEAR GO!!! No... no more... I wont... God has awaken me and I was giving this gift of recovery and a life of freedom to DO with it what I will. To apply spiritual principles in my life that will keep me awake and alive... ALIVE!!!

Surrend... and giving up... are not the same thing...

I refuse to give up... I WONT DO IT... everything in life that matters is supposed to require some effort to obtain and make work. Life is not supposed to be easy. Look at some of the most spiritual and amazing people in our history and see if life was easy for them. And yet we find these people so attractive... they are our heros... they are marters... they bring change to the world... now perhaps that is not Gods plan for me so kewl... I am down with that. But I can still learn from these amazing men and women... NEVER GIVE UP!!! There is something to be said for persuing your dream in the midist of hail storms and demons. There is something to be said for following your heart in all areas of your life.... call me tenacious... call me persistant... I will thank you...

CLAW... DRIG... CLIMB... SCRAPE...  

So my diseases says go to sleep... wait till this passes and then I will wake you... things will work themselves out... this is to difficult... I will wake you my friend...

Last time it took GOD to wake me up my disease was perfectly happy with letting me sleep my life away....

So disease when you tell me to run... when you tell me to hide... when you tell me to sleep... when you tell me the winds are blowing to hard... When you wisper in my ear that I will die alone... when you sneak up behind me and remind me of all the times I have failed... When you tell me that nothing can help me now... I have only one thing to say to you...

YOU DON'T KNOW MY GOD!!!  

IT seems as though addicts are very resistant to change. For me this is due to my completely self centered way of thinking. It would be funny if it wasnt so sad that we often preffer the pain of staying the same when a simple change will stop it.

If nothing changes nothing changes is not always the case. Many things change when I continue to do self destructive behavior. Case in point. I remember one time when i was really busy and "forgot" to pay my utilities for my apartment. Eventually something did change. That thing being the amount of electricity flowing through my appartment. The ability to cook meals changed. The air conditioning and hence room temperature changed. And all I was doing was the same thing.

Life is not a vacuum. And it is not static. I can not just remain still and hope for the best because life moves forward. And if I do not move with it then life will leave me behind. Sometimes it feels like a race. A race I just cant win. New chalenges keep popping up new "problems" keep surfacing. What is a poor recovering individual like myself to do. It seems like everyone is changing the rules when ever i turn around.

But is that what is tryly happening perhaps I just dont like the rules. Perhaps I went ahead and made my own set of rules and they just don work.

Perhaps that is exactly what happened! 

All of this great big universe things are changing. Big things and little things. As an intellegent being I try to construct rules that help me understand the world around me. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west. This is because the earth is rotating on its axis. So percieve the sun to be moving when infact it is we who are moving. Allong time ago the sun was a firey chariot drawn across the sky. The moon chased the sun away every night only for the persuit to start again.

So am I just getting all brainy on you guys. Not hardly. What I was thinking is that rules are meant to be broken or ignored sometimes. That beauty lies outside this "knowledge" of how things work. And that fear of change creates these rules and facts that force us to have to understand everything. To know what will happen next. To stop change or guide it in the direction we want.

Does anyone else hear god laughing at us. For we are but children. So small in the grand skeem of things. Yet in our own minds we are masters of the universe.

Just right now I wish I could look up at the sun and see that fiery chariot be pulled across the sky. Flames bursting from the steads nostrils. Muscular legs rippling with every stomp of the hoof. The drivers long hair aflame flowing behind him.

What a wunderful exciting world it must have been. Before we tried to start running things. Anyways for me. Today I am going to embrase change niether fear it or guide it. But simply go ride it. 

We today I have been STRUCK by a few comments where people are breaking out the old bat and takeng it to themselves.

What does this accomplish. Well this is my thoughts on the whole thing.

First off where did I learn to do this well there are two types of behavior modification that are practice by 99% of parents around the world. Positive and Negative reinforcement. You child touches an electrical outlet... You envission finding them dead from electricution so you tell them

 BAD BAD NO!!!

The problem is that in my household things where often bad. I was often stupid. Or what was I thinking or over wieght or rude. I was inconsiderate and selfish and well a child. The problem was that my parents had a hard to drawing the destintion. They where so sensitive that when I would ignore them or disagree with them or maybe even yell at them they got hurt. They reacted to me as if I was anouther adult (or as if they where another child which is closer to the truth). So my brain learned that when I cant do something the best thing to do is punish myself. I have actually struck myself for being so stupid as to do something. STUPID UGLY FAT. For some reason I think this will help motivate me to try harder. To loose wieght. To work out.

It doesnt work!!! and it is totally fucked up!!!

It reminds me of something this girl said to me a long time ago.
"I hate it when I waste time beating myself up I am so stupid for doing that" :)

Today I try to focus on one thing. Lemme explain.

A little over 36 years ago two gametes (those are cells with only one DNA strand) combined inside my mother and my higher power was there. Over the course of only 9 months. I went from one cell to millions of cells, nerves, cerebral cortex, fingernails, genitals, eyes, ears, rhibosomes, DNA , mRNA, tRNA, hormones, bones, digestive system, lungs, fingers, toes, hair, liver, kidneys, white blood cells, lipids, viens...

Everything working in balance. Built for our place in the world from

ONE CELL!!

I beleave that somethng this complex has to be guided by some force beyond my comprehension. Although we may understand the process by which it happens. We still dont know how it came to be. Because it is so complex it is beyond us...

SO WE MUST BE STUPID!!

 No we are loved. We have been given this gift from God because he loves us. This amazing "machine" that allows us to interact with the world around us.

Everything in nature is just as it is supposed to be. So am I!!!

So when I look in the mirror or when I hold up my hand and see how easy it is for me to manipulate my world I try to be greatful. Because I am just one of gods gifts to the world and he put a tremendous amount of energy into creating me.

From one cell! 

As long as could remember I always wanted to a be a super hero. To have some special ability that no one else had. To be a little better. Invunerable.  To help people. To overcome vilans that take advantage of those weaker than myself.

So whats to wrong with all that. Sound pretty good.

Ever notice how miserable allot of super heros are. They seem to have a continueing flood of misery in there life. How could this be.

Because they are not like other people. Because they are different. Being better. Being the best is just anouther way of being seperate from everyone. Being

ALONE!

The worst thing about being a super hero is the loneliness that comes along with being special or unique.

ITS OK TO BE SMALL!

Being small is how we where made. By GOD. We need others to lift us up. And sometimes we need to do the lifting. We are greater as a whole a community.

Recovery knows this. WE is the word used in refference to the members who started the fellowships. Although we do have our Jimmy K's and Bill W's and we own them allot but they where all help by others. The where all part of a community. There picture does not appear on the back of the literature because they realized that to stand out means that is harder to relate to our fellow man...

Just for today I will not try to stand out but be appart of. 

I am sure many of us have had less then ideal expierences with parents. All I can remeber about my father is him screaming at me and telling me how worthless I am. I borrowed lots of money from the old many (borrowed thats a joke) and every time I would go to him with my hand out I new there was going to be a lecture onwhat the hell I was gonna do. Like I new my only solution was to get money from my parents. And he expected me to figure out what I was going to do. If I knew that I woulda done it. But this isnt a bash on dad session. I couldnt do that if I wanted to because after he passed away a few years ago I began to see things differently.

I believe that my addict makes it difficult for me to see the needs of others over my own and this is only magnified in relationships with my parents. Why because I am still stuck in the idea of a child. That its all about me (a reacuring theme in my life). They are the parent. They are here to meet my needs. They didnt do so well when I was growing up. "They reep what the sew" is what I used to tell my therapist:) What a jerk I can be.

See there comes a time when I should have grown up and been able to deal with the man as an adult. I would complain that he still treated me like a child. but wasnt I being one. Still stuck in that sick relationship. Still pushing back as hard as he pushed me.

what was the problem... I was terrified of the man...

As frail and helpless as he was in that hospital bed. A 33 year old man was terrified to tell him how much I loved him. Terrified to talk to him. Afraid that if I held eye contact with him for to long he would see how inadiquit I was. 

So yes again my problem is fear! 

God addicts / Alcoholics are so full of fear... It destroys us like the cancer my father had. God I hated that man so much... mix love with a healthy dose of fear and thats what you get...

So what I discovered... Is... I was just like him and he was just like me... He spent his whole life ruled by fear. He had few friends ands and was totally unable to realte to anyone. He was alone in this world because he could not open himself up to anyone. That he was once a child and someone taught him to be scared... to be scared of everything... to be scared of people and he lived 78 (i think) years like that... and I just wanted him to be happy... and I am no longer mad at him... because he was my father and he had a really tough life... no I no longer hate him...

i miss him... and I hope he has found piece... and I wish to god that I had realized

that my father wasn't evil or bad... he was just lonely and scared.

So this was something that acured to me some time ago. It was on my way to work back when I had a few years under my belt but still having many issues managing my life. I guess most of us may realize that the problem was I was trying to manage it. But thats a discussion for anouther post...

This post is about traffic lights.

So late for work as I often was I was rushing to work and just like every day I was sure that every light I hit was red and the world was against me. Like I am so important that people would rig the lights just so I couldnt succeed in life.

Well anyways I am sitting at this red light ready to crawl out of the car and start running to work (its just a job). And I am telling God that I get it. I need to get up earlier so I can ge to work on time. I understand I need to learn patience and discipline.

So I am sitting there and all of the sudden I see that there are these cars passing by infront of me. Because they have a green light. Then it hits me like a tun of bricks.

These people have places to go... wow... maybe its not about me...

Maybe it isnt about god teaching me a leason...

Maybe it isnt about the world being against me...

Maybe

just maybe...

the light is just letting other people go...

Not because they are more important then me... or that I need to learn to get up earlier...

But because its a traffic light and thats what it does...

Today even my program isnt always about me...