Well it is about 6 am on the first and I just got home a few minutes ago but wanted to check in and share with you all how the evening went...let me start by saying that God works wonders in my life, and does for me what I am not willing to do for myself. I have had some struggles in my own mind lately with the fact that I was almost willing to do something that I know isn't right, something that I wouldn't want done to me, and that would go against my values.  But because I have learned to pray about things and share about them I didn't do it...it really helped to that God did one of those things I wasn't sure I was willing to do to myself.  I know that if I had done what I was considering then a lot of people could have gotten hurt, me included, and I don't want to knowingly cause harm to anyone. 

Though it was a rough day it really ended well.  Even though I didn't much feel like it I got dressed and went to the speaker meeting and dance and had a really good time.  Though there were a few moments that I wasn't sure I was going to hold up I did, I even shared with a couple of friends the event of my day and was able to hold it together.  I know in my heart that I did what I had to do and I am ok with that decision, but of course it still hurts. 

I wasn't so sure how the speaker was going to be when I found out who it was, but I held my judgement and listened and she turned out to be wonderful...I know this lady from service and in regular conversation she can be somewhat out there, hence the reason I was unsure about what was to come, but it turned out that when she shared she was on it and had a great message.  Then it was time to dance and I got to just feel the music and become one with it, which always brings me to a place of peace and serenity.  I love to dance and I don't care if I am good at it or not, nor do i worry if people are watching today...I am definitely not the best dancer, but I am not the worst either, and even if I was it doesn't matter as long as it helps to keep me healthy and happy. 

After the dance we went to Anita's for breakfast, laughter, love, and friendship.  It was a little difficult when I got there because she has her dog Daisy, and Spirit fell in love with Daisy right away...and he didn't much care for other dogs regardless of size or gender.  So it made me a little sad to know that I would never get to see the two of them play together again.  On another Spirit note...when I got home and let Lance out of lockup he came out happy like he always does, and then I watched him look around the house for his friend, he stopped for a minute and looked at me with what I took as wonder, then he went searching again.  He ended up squeaking his toy for a while and is now fast asleep. 

I want you all to know that I was thinking about you tonight as the new year began, wishing that somehow we could have been together...just know that you were with me in my heart and I felt your love all through this tough time and I thank you.  I don't know if anyone else feels as I do about the people I have met on this site, and now I don't know what I would do if you special people were not a part of my life.  I am so very grateful to God for putting you into my life.  I love laughing with you, I thank you for allowing me to cry when I need to, and for listening.  Thank you for allowing me to be the best me I can and loving me for being just that. 

God has shown me once again that if I just have faith he will send me angels to help me walk through anything, and he will always do for me what I am not willing to do for myself just as long as I let him. 

Love and gratitude...

Well here it is the last day of 2006...what a year. Not a particularly a good or bad year...just a year. As I sit here and look back I realize that there have been lots of changes, and whether I knew it at the time or not they really have been good changes.

My physical health this year really wasn't the greatest but it is getting better, and if I could just put down the damn cigarettes and keep them down it will continue to improve. Why is it soooo damn hard, harder than any dope I ever put down, with worse withdrawals then I remember. The thing is that they are killing me slowly just like the drugs were and yet I can't seem to leave them alone. I do well for a while and then something happens (good or bad) and I'm off and running with them again. So I pray...God please lift this obsession!

My mental and emotional health has been on a roller coaster, but isn't that just they way life is? I was continuing in a marriage that I hadn't been happy in for a very long time...why you may ask...out of fear. Fear of being alone, of growing old all by myself, and fear of change. But for this year that was the best change for me, him, and the kids. Well at least for Valerie, but I am not so sure about my stepdaughter. She went through a rough period right after the separation...and to be honest with you I was grateful that I didn't have to deal with her and her actions. I loved her as my own for a very long time...and I will continue to do that to the best of my ability. The change in our relationship was the hardest thing for me, in fact the only hard thing, which resulted from the divorce. How confusing it must have been for her when dad jumped right into another relationship, and in my opinion, out of fear of ending up alone. Wow...it seems to me that alot of us suffer from THAT particular fear.

So here I sit on New Years Eve having to do the hardest thing of my year, and though I know that it is the best decision I can make in this situation it is still hard. I am getting ready to take Spirit ("My Buddy Boy, my dog) to have him put to sleep. I was told by my landlord, who is also my mom, that I have to get rid of my dogs. Lance, the bulldog, I can find him a new home, and make money in the process. But with Spirit its different...I have thought and thought, prayed and prayed, and shared and shared about it. He is an awesome dog for me, but I don't think he is adoptable. He has always been somewhat aggressive to other dogs passing by the house, but over the last year or so has become aggressive toward people too. So I just got back from a break...the hardest break of my life (or so it seems at this moment). I just got back from taking him to be put to sleep...I'm gonna miss him and I feel so guilty, he never did anything to ME. Spirit I love you, my buddy boy. This is definitely one of those hard choices to make...

So now I will sit here and feel for a while, a long while I am sure, no matter what I do this choice will be a hard one to get out of my mind though he will never be out of my heart. Now I just need to find a good home for Lance... I have to say that this decision came from making a bad choice when I got the dogs in the first place, I was not supposed to have them and I broke that rule. So once again I have pain because of a bad choice. I will walk through it with God in one hand and my support group in the other.

So my year in a nutshell, now that I am looking back wasn't what some would consider the best, but it definitely was not the worst...I was in an unhappy marriage, I had some horrible health issues, was hospitalized, came home, 2 days later my husband left, 6 months later was divorced, and a month after that had to get rid of my dogs. In between that I had some issues at work, so much so that I hated my job and most of the people I had to work closely with, I had loved my job up until this time. What that boiled down to was that he was new and was intimidated by me and my knowledge and I was resentful because by all means I should have been in that position but unable to be put there because I was not on a state list. We have talked about it, it is all out and now we get along great, and I know I can go to him when I have issues with a co-worker that doesn't like me so much...another that intimidated and hates the fact that I have more knowledge in our department than she.

God gave me many gifts this past year…the best of them is all of you! I thank God for giving those that created this site the vision and the drive to move forward with that vision to create another place for us to explore our recovery and extend our support group. I have made some really great and true friends here, and even though it has caused somewhat of a new addiction for me, I am so grateful to have each and every one of you in my life. And to those of you that I have begun building deep and true relationships either on here or outside of 12SS…you know who you are…I love you with all of my heart and then some. To those that I have not yet had the opportunity to begin as strong of relationships with I love you too and if it is meant to be then God will pull us closer together.

I am going to a dinner, speaker meeting, and dance tonight to bring in the New Year with my recovery family. I AM going even though at this moment all I want to do is lie in my bed and cry. I know that it is times like these that I really don't need to be by myself. I have no desire to use, the thought isn't even there except to share with whoever is reading this that that desire is no longer there, and that the desire doesn't even come into play in my life anymore even in tough life situations. But for me the desire is different than the thought because I have to be honest with myself and acknowledge the fact that sometimes the fleeting thought of using does pop up. What I have learned is that if it is more than just thought that comes to mind and is gone as quickly as it came that I have to play the tape all the way through, and I don't like the end result. Therefore, I choose to not let it be more than a fleeting thought.

Today I choose to live life on life's terms no matter how awful that may seem in the moment... What I am getting at is that no matter what has happened in my life this year, good or bad, I have stayed clean. I have had no desire to pick up and that is thanks to my God and all of the wonderful Angels in my life.

Love and gratitude...