Dear Heavenly Father,

 Guide me in the next twenty-four hours Lord as I work with my clients, coworkers, boss, and other various people who cross my path.  Oh Lord, I am scared most of the time and do not know how to ease this fear.  Please remove this fear from me God and I pray for the willingness to practice my faith with you Lord.  I ask you for your direction and grace.  Please forgive my sins.  I do not know how to handle Ray.  He points out that  am mean to him.  Help me God.  I turn my entire life over to your care because I do not know how to manage alone.  You are my savior and I am your child.  I pray for honesty, love, purity, and unselfishness.  Please forgive my ego and squash my attempts to rest on my laurels.  I love you Lord.  Thank you for another day of sobriety.  Please remove my desire to drink God.

Nicole

 DISCLAIMER:  Lots of whining and pettiness here.  Very upset alkie bitching about her anger and putting the crap on paper.

 Be careful of the people you offend or toes you step on because you might regret it.  I stepped on someone's toes, service provider for my case and this bitch has sic'd the dogs on me.  This is not a victim statement, but the truth.  I hate her right now.  Casa calls yesterday to tell me to take someone off of a visitors list, no please no would you, just "take her off the list".  The mother sweet to my face, but time comes again where she is not happy and she runs to higher ups to get her way.  Ii cannot read her fucking mind.  The bitch does not fucking talkk to me.  Who the hell ddoes she think she is?  My fucking boss will not switch casemanagers on this case.  Why the fuck not?  To not run away? 

I hate Annette Brown for this.  She made up so many lies  and made sure she will get back. Ray warned me about black women in power.  I do not believe all black women are this way. Just fucking Anneette. 

Dear Lord, God help me.  What are you doing here?  Am I supposed to learn something?  What?  Be loving to our neighbors?  What about them sometimes?  God please help me.  Show me what to do here!  I am scared.  Very scared for my job, career, and reputation.  I hate her Lord.  Please take this case away.  I am asking you to grant my prayer God.  Please give Kim and Annette Smith the willingness to see this my way and transfer because I cannot handle the pressure or vindictiveness.  Please God.  I am asking you from the bottom of my heart to answer my prayers Lord.  Please do not replace this case with another Annette Brown casee.  i do not EVER want to work with her again.  I wish you could change her, teach her a lesson.  But, what do I know?  I put myself out there to piss her off.  I stepped on her toes Lord.  HELP ME@!!!@  Take this away.  Everything God.  I resent her for her personality, dishonesty (and she gets away with it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)  Dear Lord, do I approach Ms. Bisbee/Ban?  Could they help me run away from this crap?  God, are you there Lord?  I resent Kim for "oh no you will not get off that easy".  Give me the courage to face them. I hate them.  I want to say something to Connie too.  Can you help me because I want to see all of them hurt, including linda.  F-ing linda. Who the hell does she think she is talking to me that way????????????????????????? Hurt here.  Remove from me every single defect that stands in the way of myself and others Lord.  Carry me through this.  Help me see your wisdom in all of this because at this time I am blind.

So, working on steps and sponsoring women yet I still feel blocked in prayer to my higher power.  Dear Lord,  why can't I feel you?  Why do I feel this apathy inside for you and meetings?  Can you help me?  Who am I angry at?  I feel anger towards Lori, Heather, Ray, Jennifer, and Terry.  Why do I feel angry?  Lori became vindictive and worked towards splitting up our sponsorship family.  Heather because I feel like she has betrayed me with Lori by listening and allowing her to influence Heather's feelings.  Ray because he consistently approaches me or communicates in a way just to bug me, and then wants to approach me sexually.  Jennifer because she is affecting Joe's motivation (although she does not know this).  Terry because Ray constantly whispers in my ear about her actions in our HG; yet I know this resentment is for Ray.  What do these affect?  Lori:  security as a member of HG and as a sponsor; ambitions so everybody will continue through the steps; ego because everything is always about me for everybody; and personal relationships because I am unsure of what the women in hg really believe or how they feel about me.  I am selfish for making these problems about me, thinking only about myself and how these people affect my life.  I am self-seeking for several reasons:  one, if people look at me differently then my position (ambitions) in the HG may change (Andy's call list); I want Ray to follow my rules.  How am I dihonest?  I did not make proper amends to Lori and when she retaliated I ended our friendship.  I continue to put myself above Lori in the friendships we share with her.  I expect Heather to remain "loyal" to me as a sponsee and friend.  The same with Jennifer, yet I do not spend one on one time with Jenn.  Terry, I should stop listening to Ray's obsession with her.  He usually is right.  But, I need to trust God and not Ray entirely. 

Happy New Years.  I cannot believe we live in the year 2008!  Crazy.  Step 10:

I am fearful of Ray's response to issues in the homegroup (level), and dread to confront issues amongst my sponsees.  Especially, when these issues are unclear.  Lori may leave our homegroup.  I fear this for several reasons.  First, selfish because I would rather ignore the white elephant in the room (she believes her daughter did not steal, although she takes from her parents constantly).  Yesterday, I asked her to keep the daughter in the meeting room; in addition to New Year's night, items belonging to the day care supposedly were missing after our meetings.  I want my friendship and sponsorship, therefore my motives were not pure and honest, loving, and selfish.  Dishonest:  I did not inform Lori that the group knew about this issue, and did not want this child at the meeting.  The reason for this is the meeting resides in a church, with a day care.  If she stole from our coats at the party, then what has been taken during the meetings.  Typically, children play in the other rooms.  I was terrified and did not want to face the reality of the issue at hand.  We believe this little girl stole, her mother says she only steals from her parents.  A thief with morals?  Resentful:  because Ray did not want to handle this as a result of his anger.  He wanted to me to support him and confront Lori as a sponsor.  I asked him to handle this himself.  Lori left before the meeting started, stating she will never return to the meeting. Afterwards, her husbands message on the voicemail let me know she probably would not return.  Afraid:  to tackle issues such as these.  The tenth tradition states, "no opinions on outside issues" and this was not practiced last night.  My sponsor stated we leave our problems at the door and sit down prepared for a meeting, to carry this message to the suffering alcoholic.  I left immediatly following the meeting, instead of practicing this tradition and two high school newcomers were the last to leave.  Fortunately, Ray asked Jen to remain with them until their ride arrived.  Arriving at home, changed clothes, took medicine, watched television until I fell asleep instead of facing problems.  I flew out of the meeting!!  Good example, right?  Yeah, 10th tradition was not utilized for this matter.  What if Katy didn't steal?  Everything points to her, but what if somebody closed to us did it?  Everyone at this event were sober for a number of years, give or take a couple with one year sobriety.  She has a history.  Everytime items (money) were taken, she was always in the area.  Katy has been known for taking from you and smiling at you too.  An angelic face who lies, steals, and has brought Lori to tears for various problems.  After three years, the same problems with this child still exists.  I have come to accept this, but the New Year's event could not be ignored and Ray felt Lori's sponsor should handle this.  Fu***r! 

Dear God, please remove these defects at once.  Please help me become of maximum service to those who still suffer.  God, I turn my whole life and will over to you and ask you to keep me sober for today.  Please remove any fears or selfishness, dishonesty and resentments from me.  Show me your will and the courage to carry this out.  I love you God.  I am grateful for the life you gave to me.  Everythings exists in this life, having a life, because of your grace.

The heinous fourth step is finished!  Thank you Lord.  I am very self-absorbed, as you may read throughout these blogs.  The idea that possibly someone may read these and may...I don't know...comment is checked constantly.  Pretty pathetic, right?  God, thank you for a wonderful day yesterday.  Unbelievable that reliance upon you works!  How is it that I forgot this?  Reading page 62-63 yesterday opened my eyes to how you are truly pushed aside when the focus is on self-seeking, self-delusion, and selfish throughts and behavior.  I looked over and said "no wonder I am so freakin crazy!"  Ha!  Finally, now it is time to dump this crap that is building within this chubby body.  My body is enormous!  Maybe not compared to the people we watch on television, but it is huge.  I am working towards not eating after 7pm, but the snacks keep coming.  Dear Heavenly Father, please take my recovery, eating, life into your hands and do with this as you please.  I am asking you to take over my soul and heart because without you life is to chaotic and insane. I do not want to drink!  Please take away any lingering desire to drink, drug, nor smoking cigarrettes.  I love you Lord.  Sometimes it feels like I have tourretts sometimes when by myself little comments constantly fly out.  Please remove this from me because statements fly that never existed in my heart.  Thank you for another twenty-four hours of sobriety and guide me to hear and see what you want for me to hear and see.  Guide me to be a channel of your word and remove from me any selfish, self-seeking, and dishonest motives, thoughts, and behaviors.

Love, Nicole

Seven years have passed and I feel more insane then ever.  How is this possible?  Is it possible that I have gotten this sick?  My sponsees are responsible to complete their "assignments"/step work, but I have sat on my ass forever with my own.  I have gotten lazy and fat!  My prayers have become obsolete.  Dear Heavenly Father, please forgive me for my insanity and lack of dependence upon you and your word.  Help me to remember that you are the one in charge, not me nor my ego.  Please take my recovery into your hands and remove the desire to drink, drug, and smoke cigarrettes.  Are you there Lord?  DO you forgive me?  I know that my ego tells me that the universe revolves around you-know-who.  I Love you God and would like for you to know that my gratitude does run deep (somewhere inside).  Thank you for many twenty-four hours of sobriety.  Remove my thoughts of insanity and divorce my mind from self-seeking and selfish motives.  Show me how to be of service to the suffering alcoholic.  Give me the right thought and action Lord, remind me to pause when agitated.  I love you Lord.  Please provide those I resent with love, peace, and harmony because my self-will hates to see this happen.  Please forgive me for the hate that has boiled within these bones.

Amen

Dear Heavenly Father,

 Good morning!  How are you today?  I thank you for another day of sobriety.  Yesterday, I felt ill, went to the emergency room and left without any answers.  Leaving work, hr informs me MC filled the position without me.  Then, I leave work with a case load and office full of people who knew there was a possibility I was miscarrying.  Quite a day. Self-pity sucks!  It is an unnecessary evil.  Corroding the insides, I ask you Lord to remove this at once. Please help me see your will in everything today.  Show me how to be of service to the clients that pass my path.  Guide me to hear and see what YOU want me to hear and see.  I love you Lord and thank you for another day of sobriety, shelter, money, friends, and family.  Please bless those in and out of my life.  Thank you for protecting Lori's husband.  I ask you to remove the discomfort in order for T to sleep and heal.  Lori, please wrap your loving arms around her God and guide her to hear and see what you want her to hear and see.  THank you for your grace in all of our lives.   Please bless their little girl and protect her in the coming weeks.

Amen

Hello God.  It's me, Nicole.  How are you this morning?  I am looking forward to this day and feel sick inside about the paper I am screwing up, by not completing.  Help me.  Is the fox hole prayer working?  You provide me with the time and space, but I continue to go elsewhere.  Your will, and I scoff.  Please forgive me God.  Maybe, I should take a semester off??  Drop out for the 2nd session and take the practicum for 16 hours.  That makes sense to me.  How about his?  Financially better decision. 

God, I surrender my life and will over to you to do with it your will.  Please remove from me every single defect of character that stands in my way to do your bidding.  Release me from the bondage of NICOLE to do your will.  To do your will.  To do your will.  Please help me God, because I suck at this.

Thank you for another day of sobriety.  I love you Lord.  Thank you for an opportunity to be of service.  Your will, not mine. Please take away my desire to drink and drug, and smoke too.  God, your will in my life.  Please remove these obsessions.

Nicole

Is it obvious when we bicker that I am losing that feeling or do we look like that old married couple who pick one another apart.  When we are together I feel like starting a fighting match.  Maybe this happens to prevent intimacy.  It is always something.  We have been together for three years.  I am getting sicker folks, and he is becoming healthy.  What do I do?  Do the fourth step.  The inventory has been assigned.  The bottom has begun, yet the digging continues.  Self-pity and gluttony. 

The checking account was in the red because of my spending and dishonesty.  I will rationalize sneaky behavior in a heartbeat when it comes to spending money.  The worst part is how a number of the transactions revolve around fast food restaurants.  Shit, no wonder the weight gain is depressing. 

Lord, I want your help, this is exhausting!  I need you and want you.  Please turn over your recovery and lack thereof Nicole.  Please.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I am preparing for the meeting, looking up subject matter, hoping and worrying about carrying a clear message.  God, I compare myself to others.  I hear in my head that there is zero chance that I am a good chair for this group. 

God, you know the depths of my soul.  Sometimes I become fearful that there will come a time where the mental defense to drink will not be there to prevent that first drink.  This terrifies me constantly.  Are you there Lord?  Do you hear these fears?  Please take away all things blocking me from you.  Please continue to weigh on my heart the importance of placing complete dependence upon you Lord.  I love you Dear God.  Thank you for keeping me sober today and yesterday.

Amen

Dear Heavenly Father,

It's time to get to work, but everyday the desire to blog increases inside me.  Last night in class we discussed different conflict theories to apply to our final project.  What do you want me to cover? In my mind, I thought about convicts released from prison who attempt to become a productive member of society.  Is this a discriminated population at times?  I could apply globalization and crisis theories to this idea for next weeks assignment.  What should I do?  Time is ticking...

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for another day of life, sobriety, and work.  Yesterday, I lost it with my boss and the wreckage is tearing me up.  Please help me with the added stress for everyone in our office with recent changes that have occured (thank you Governor Mitch Daniels).  Please guide me to hear and see what you want me to hear and see. Please help me with my words, thoughts, and actions dear God.  THank you for a sponsor who requires a weekly contact this morning.  I have to iron my clothes and blow dry the hair for work, so thank you for my sobriety.  Please do the fighting for me and keep me sober today with a sober and sound mind.

I love you God, in your name Jesus Christ,

Amen

The Prodigal Son rings truth in my heart and reminds me of the relationship with siblings and father.  In my second year of sobriety, my father flew to Indiana to surprise me (and to see whether I am sober or a liar).  In a lead (pre-scheduled), my father gave an after comment similar to a statement highlighted in this passage.  "A year ago, my father was dead to me and now she has life.  Thank you for helping and guiding my daughter in her sobriety.  Thank you for giving me my daughter back!"  I am tearing up right now as the words are typed for this blog.  I thank you Lord for my sobriety and release from the bondage of alcohol.  To have a sober breath is a miracle in itself.  Second chances are only an act of your grace.  Thank you!! 

For March 18, 2007 ... Luke 15.11-32

So, what to do?  I have been sober for six years and recently terminated by a sponsor.  For the first time in my sobriety, I was let go.  Since then, there have been a lot of positive gifts from God (new job, finished another semester, stepwork with sponsees).  I hit my boyfriend last night, it was not the first time.  He is bigger, stronger, and sober.  We met when I was three and he was 23 years in the program.  In this journey, I went through three sponsors and some drama.  I did a couple inventories, but never completed the ninth step.  I am terrified by my actions last night because it was an impulse that has been there for years.  It was the first time that I threw something at him (the remote control at his face).  It scares me to know that this dwells within me.  I am scared, sponsorless, and want a strong AA woman. I know what area to go to to find them, but am terrifed with the results.  In this relationship, the passive-aggression inside leads to these rageful moments and the words "I just want to bash your face in" has come out of my mouth a number of times.  Does he hate me?  No, he told me that I am violent, have issues, and need to look at that-that I need help.  I do need help.  If this happens again would he hit back?  Should I move out?  I need a sponsor now, get off my ass and go get one.  Forget that she may be hateful like the last one, but go.  God please help me in this journey to follow your will, not my own.  Please remove from me every single defect of character that stands in the way of  my usefulness to you and my fellows.  Grant me strength as I go out from here, and do your bidding.  Amen