I haven't spent any time here for a while.  Things have been busy.  The relationship I got involved in collapsed, I was hospitalized twice with bronchitis, and the obvious ending to the drama was that I relapsed two weeks shy of my 18 month anniversary.  It had been coming on for quite some time, I was just the last one to see it until it was too late.  Self-deception is a killer!

 I am grateful for all that has happened.  It gave me clarity, helped me find my HP that I had walked away from and gave me a new perspective on recovery and life.  Running on self will just doesn't work for me.  I'm grateful that I can be honest with myself and know that today.

 I thank the God of my understanding for the NA program and the people in it.  I thank Him for so much today.  31 days clean.  It's a brand new start to a future that has so much promise if I just do the work.

 Happy Thanksgiving!!!

A friend asked me why I have been so quiet lately.  I told them that I make my phone calls, talk with my sponsor, help newcomers...I just like to listen more.  Then I realized that detaching myself was a great excuse for isolating from others emotionally.  I'm trying to work on my co-dependency issues and I thought that was a good approach for practice.  I seem to think it protects me from pain and fear.  I guess it's not.  I'm a little confused with the balance here.  What is the right path to take?

This morning, my ex emailed me.  This was a man that I loved as much as I was capable of loving.  He gave me everything I wanted and did anything I wanted.  Of course, it wasn't enough for me.  He finally had enough of me and my addiction.  We broke up and he kicked me out of the house.  As we were emailing back and forth, I kept thinking, "love me again, please love me again!  I've changed, I'm better, I can be the woman you wanted all along"!  Then, I stepped back from our emails and read them again while I impatiently waited for one of his replies.  That's just a little obsessive, wouldn't you say?  I had never noticed how disrespectful he can be.  His "funny" statements weren't funny at all.  They were hurtful.  For years, I allowed him to treat me that way.  I gave him an open invitation.  As long as it made him happy, that's all that mattered.  Again, co-dependency.  This was a perfect example.  I'm so grateful that I can see that today, I'm grateful that I don't have to settle for that treatment, even when I think I'm still in love with him.  I'm glad I have the strength not to reply to the last message where he asked me out for dinner.  I'm glad that I am starting to become aware that I may want to seek advice and check my motives on my current relationship if I'm replying to my ex.

This co-dependency stuff is difficult.  I want to look at everything black and white so I can change by taking the softer, easier way.  A sense of freedom is what I would like to feel.  A connection with my HP, and a little bit of self-assurance.  Is there some way I can take action and see results rather quickly?  Probably not.  Am I practicing insanity?  Probably so.  Even with this, I still see change. I am aware today.  That's worth at least a nickel in the jar. 

I'm a newcomer again.  The 12stepspace is a wonderful concept but being a newcomer here is hard.  I'm really glad to have found this site, though.  While searching around for blog sites, I found my account here and ran with it.  I'm uncomfortable not knowing anyone.  It reminds me of my experience with meetings and the fellowship when I came back to the rooms to stay.  I was so petrified of people.  The feeling of isolation and being left out really hurt but it didn't take long to feel a part of because everyone welcomed me with open arms.  Before I knew it, I was invited to go for coffee, out for dinner, to the movies, on a date (lol), baby showers, bridal showers, weddings...very special life events where people wanted me to be, whereas before, no one wanted me around at all.  Looking back, it still amazes me when I think of  how different things were a year ago.  It gives me hope and when I forget to be grateful, I think of just this type of thing. 

 My daughter's last day of middle school is tomorrow.  My reality does not support her going to high school in the fall, it just doesn't!!  Nope, I refuse to accept it.  Thank goodness I have a whole summer to work on that and be okay with it.  I remember her as a little thing, we were so close.  Hmmm, I'm not going down memory lane.  That's a little too emotional.  I'm just blessed that she's such a good girl and has a positive outlook on life. She is a major reason I'm alive today. 

Things have quieted down for me so much.  No more drama.  I was getting so sick of it all, blaming everyone else for causing it.  I was practicing insanity, trying to help friends that I couldn't help, pleasing people that had motives that weren't in my best interests, getting involved in everyone else's business but my own.  Once I realized it was a choice for me to participate and create it, I took a big step back and did what I could to stop it.  Funny, now people in my network and other friends have stated that I've been serene lately.  I always thought that serenity was for other people, not me.  It's amazing what happens when I do the right thing.