"My Prayer"

I try to give all I can give, but to give it all, and not give to who gave it to me, is to not give at all. I want to know what offering spirit, mind and action is like. To sacrifice myself for something I love and give my entire being to accomplishing that Goal. I long to offer praise, and not only by praising but by living. I often wonder will I live or will I merely exist. Is it possible to give yourself to the giving of yourself? I don't like this pain but it is pain in reverence to a goal, a practice, and a life. A life of journey, importance, substance and of value. I feel so lost as I stand in awe and wonder of the path laid before me. How can I be lost while knowing where to go? My eyes are open, for the first time ever, I feel, I believe, I know. Not because I was told and not because I think, but because it is undeniable, it is unfathomable, and unavoidable. It is what I thought it was, and not the same as I thought it was at all. I'm no longer practicing but participating. Loving it above myself and my desires. Loving it because it's love in flesh and blood and not flesh or blood at all anymore. I'm scared, I want to hide and yet I feel humble while being proud. I feel misguided with controlled orderly direction. I feel, and that's amazing to me in itself, why can't it be like it used to when I didn't feel and why would I want it to be? Why must I and why shouldn't I want to. Please just tell me why, even though I already know. I feel angry about walking away from this and I never get angry when I walk away from you. For that I'm sorry, purely and honestly. I'm sorry for the time's I've judged others and the times I haven't evaluated myself. I'm sorry for the times I've cried selfishly, concerned about my own comfort here, when I know I'm in a strange place that is not my home. I feel like an orphan waiting for a new life anticipating its splendor yet attached to my shelter, for these feelings I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not loving when I knew it was what I was supposed to do. I'm sorry for the pain I've caused with no thought of it at all. I'm sorry for hating you when I didn't want you, just because I didn't want to be loved or encouraged or free. I'm sorry for desiring chaos over calm, violence over peace, death over life, and me over you. I'm sorry for loving people, places and things more than you, take this from me, as I give myself, my heart, my mind, my soul, my all, to YOU………….Amen…………..............................