I never realized the full impact this program has had on my life until I started working with others.  To give back to others what has so graciously been given to me is a privilege beyond belief. 

I look into her haunted eyes, and see the reflection of myself 15 months ago.  I was, quite frankly, a train wreck.  I hated myself.  I cried constantly.  I tried to kill myself on numerous occasions.  Each time I did, God let me live.  When I woke up, and realized I was still living, I cursed God bitterly for letting me live. 

She cried two days ago, and apologized for waking me up out of a sound sleep.  I told her that showed willingness.  My sleep is important, but working with another alcoholic is even more so.  I told her to never apologize for asking for help.

The first question my sponsor asked me when she first started working with me was, "are you WILLING to go to any lengths to stay sober?"  I said yes.  Her second question was, "are you willing to WORK for your sobriety, because if you aren't, then don't waste my time."

These are the same questions I am asking of all my sponsees.  This is a program of ACTION.  We are given sobriety through the grace of God, but we have to take appropriate action to get and maintain that sobriety.  The number one action is to NOT DRINK. AA = Absolute Abstinence. 

It is not a question anymore of whether I can drink or not.  I know with 100% certainty that to pick up that first drink will start a terrifying spiral of obsession and craving that will end up either killing me, getting me arrested for DWI and locked up, or sent to a mental hospital.  So, even though that choice is still mine to pick up that first drink, I choose to NOT do so.

Picking up that two-ton telephone was the hardest thing for me to do.  Even now, I don't like to ask for help, because I want to be in "control" and "fix" everything myself.  It is in asking for help that God is able to lift that burden from our shoulders, and to do His work in healing us.  And, this is a "WE" program.  The word "I" is nowhere in the 12 Steps.  In sharing with others honestly about our alcoholism, it takes that shame away.  Talking with another alcoholic is experiencing God in the flesh.  It is through the sharing that we are healed, that we gain strength for ourselves, and we are someday able to help others.

My hope is that she gets it.  She is a young mother.  I don't want her to have to walk through what I did, in giving my oldest son up to his father because I craved the ease and comfort of that bottle.  I went through 18 years of self-generated hell after that.  I pray this young woman doesn't have to go through that before she knows the healing power of God's love.

All I can do is to lay the spiritual tools I received down at her feet.  She must pick them up herself, find the God of her own understanding, and use those tools, one day at a time.

I am an alcoholic.  Of and by myself, I cannot stay away from that bottle.  If it were left up to the flesh I still am, I would run straight back to the Jack Daniels and tequila.  I would run back to that sick lifestyle.  Of and by myself, I am powerless.  I would do what I don't want to do, to get what I don't want.

But it is through tapping that power source for my spirit, also known as God, that I have the power to battle it, one day at a time.  I have to maintain my spiritual condition daily, lest I flip backwards into the drink.  As long as I attend meetings, call my sponsor, work the program, pray and meditate, and work with others, AND I DON'T DRINK, I have a chance at having a reasonably good day, no matter what else goes in the crapper.

I'm grateful to be in here writing this blog today, instead of being hung over, wallowing in that self-hatred, wishing I was dead.