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God grant me the Serinity
Posted on: 01/22/2007
Today has tested my serinity I was pretty much frustrated and angry all day I havent had many days like this but I can say that I dont like it when I do.At work I cryed and could not concentrate i work in a paper testing lab I actually am the only one that works in the lab, I test the paper and it is important that the results are correct and consistent so I dont like being pre occupied with my self obsession,I am in a relationship that I have been in for 4years and I was in active addiction for all of it but the last 4 months (almost 4 months) and now I am in recovery he is not one of us.So this relationship is falling apart I try so hard to fix it and I cant I have begged forgiveness for lieing about money and lieing about my alliction and I am truely sorry but I think that he is still punishing me and it is driving me mad.I know I need to let it go and let it play out but I love to be loved and it is hard living like this I know I lost alot of trust and that is something that takes time to get back but how long????? Okay I am also raising 3 teenage boys and that is very challanging also one is12, 16 and 19.I am a little of a control freak and you can not control boys at this age well not 19 anyway he is going into the marines he leaves on feb.11 two days after my birthday.I am ok with that I am very proud I think it will teach him alot .Now my 16 year old we struggle he has never really had a man take much of an interest in him and it is a struggle I have caught him smoking pot 4 times now and I have flushed it well I made him flush it,anyway I deal with so much guilt about that I did not set the example I should have and I sometimes feel it is all my fault .I dont want him to make all the same mistakes I did he is so young and smart I just dont know what to do with him I have taken him to a couple meetings he was real depressed and I got him medicane it did not help he sees a psyciatrist,who is now drug testing him I dont know I will just be here for him but after the 4th time I am really nervous about drugs being in the house I told him I will not keep dealing with it.That he cant bring drugs here and that my only big rule is no drugs but i dont think he gets it. well I thought maybe if I wrote about this it might help me to not obsess about it .thank you and if anyone has experience strength or hope please let me know bye for now
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