Amazingly, the moment I get out of my head and try to help another person, the chaos in my own head vanishes and leaves me a sense of serenity.

 I was at a book study last evening and saw, with my own eyes, this man escorted out the door as soon as he walked in and asked not to come back. These were a few individuals that I trusted with my life in the beginning before I fully relied on God.

The moment I realized what was going on my blood boiled but I waited and watched. The one who told him to leave came back and sat down next to his friends and crossed his arms on his chest and smiled a big cheesy smile and the friends all shook their heads in approval while smiling.

I was taught a long time ago that I was guilty by association when a crime is committed and I'm in the perpetrators presence. I didn't say a word, I got up and walked out the door thinking of telling the man that no one can kick him out. He was gone of course so I left and went to the other meeting going on at the time. 

I know what the books say and I know what my heart says. My own sponsor didn't seem too upset about the whole deal. A very good friend, with 23 yrs of sobriety, informed me that I needed to get over the resentment of not being invited to the discussion they had concerning this person. He informed me that I was heading for a drunk if I didn't attend their meeting. He agreed with me that the program I work is solid, but still going to get drunk. I attend at least 1 meeting a day, sometimes 2, that particular meeting I went to because a lot of middle timers, that are my age, are there. I do NOT need that kind of meeting.

Was that an AA meeting? Maybe or maybe not, I'm not sure just yet. I do know right this moment that at least 2 traditions were broken. Maybe even the first one too, the unity I had previously felt in there is not there anymore. I've decided not to attend that meeting. I prayed last night and this morning about it. Are the people with more sobriety than I correct? Will I get drunk over this like the old timer says? I am so confused. I don't feel resentful. I am numb and pray that God watches over the man who was ejected from the group. 

A friend and I were talking the other day and he asked me how far I had to drive to this meeting I was at from home. I said I don't know but it takes a little more than an hour and I drive about 68MPH. (the speed limit is 65MPH) So he says to me, "So you drive on your will and not Gods will." 

That was on Friday and this is Monday. I have not drove over the speed limit yet since that night. I never thought about it not being Gods will. I just always believed that if I kept it under 5MPH over the limit then it was legal. 

Being legal and being Gods will are not always the same. Thank you Ron for your words of wisdom.

Another friend of Bill W. and Dr. Bob and myself refused to work the steps and refused to try any other suggestion offered by her group. She may be blaming her husband, the police, lawyers, judges, the whole judicial system or even God, ultimately she had choices. She chose to do things her way and continued to play the "director on the stage." She's now in jail and her husband is in critical condition after emergency surgery to fix the stab wounds that threatened his life. True he is, in my opinion, a piece of shit. Still, he is another one of God's children no more or less than me or you. 

In the 24 yrs I've been in and out of AA I've seen this over and over. Maybe not this in particular but I've witnessed first hand what happens to people that don't work the steps and trust God. For years I was that chronic relapser always trying to do it my way. Only by the grace of God I didn't have to go where these others did. I saw what happpened to them and one day it donned on me that maybe the program works if I really work it. I did NOT want to end up like those others.

From my own experience those who refused to conform to the spiritual program of action are miserable until they drink themselves to death or commit suicide. Some continued going to meetings until they were buried but it wasn't enough. I have to do more than suit up and show up. I have to work the steps and trust in my HP. This is a life and death situation and thank God I know this today.  

I can only hope that this is finally the bottom for our sister alcoholic, addict. Let go, my friend and Let God. We'll be here when you get back. Love ya girl.

I can still remember that terrible lonely feeling I used to have even when I was with family or friends. I felt like I never really fit in with them. I am so different and they have no idea the pain that's in my heart. I wanted so much to fit somewhere but every where I went and every thing I tried was just another dead end.

In the last few years I have found that I never really was alone. Actually God was always there! Members of my home group now go everywhere with me. Their faces, voices and little sayings are always there. My HP sent me to them I think so that I could have human contact with people that I could relate to. Now I never have to feel alone and lonely. 

My new friends that stay in my head, keep me out of my head for the most part. They are definitely a God send. I let them stay in my head so that I don't have to feel alone anymore. That way I might be able to stay half way sane.

I Love my new friends. After all they did help to save my life.

Today, I went to a noon meeting in which we had a couple members back from relapse after a many years of sobriety. One wants to change the other is still pretty much in denial. After the meeting was over and I was driving along listening to my new CD by SIXX A.M. I had a thought come to mind about a new acronym. Is that the right word, IDK. Forgive me if I think it's mine I possibly could have heard it somewhere at some time that I don't remember. My memory is definitely shot. Anyway, I know relapse, been there and done that over and over. But, for the grace of God I haven't in a while!

R-recovery

E-eventually

L-lost

A-all

P-priority

S-sacrificing

E-everything

I've been clean and sober for over 3 yrs now but sometimes i still struggle with forgiving what i put my family through. I walked out on three children and they still have abandonment issues even though I've been back in their lives for some time. My youngest has been living with me again for 2 years and sometimes it's very difficult for her to trust me. She needs to be able to trust me at this time in her life as she is just now 13 yrs old. She looks 16 and she acts like 30. I need her to trust me so that I can forgive myself more. I know she has her own will and that i can't change her or protect her from every little thing that i worry about. A good friend reminds me that God takes care of her and that it's not really about me anyway. Let it go.

Okay. I can do this. Will the shameful, guilty and remorseful residue ever leave? Because, it keeps coming up at the most crucial times when all the other shit hits the fan. When the other stuff like the bills are coming in and medical insurance gets screwed up and well when it rains it pours. Maybe i need to punish myself even more than what the outside world does so i do the beatings to myself.

When the storm passes each time I can clearly see that I beat on myself for no real reason and that it solved nothing. So why do i do it? Habits, I guess. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

It's time for me to forgive myself. If I am truly relying on God then shouldn't this be easy? So...am I doing it wrong? I have otherwise never been happier in my life prior to 3 yrs ago. I absolutely enjoy life today and would change nothing but the guilt that i still feel. It's not an overwhelming guilt really but more like a sticky film or powdery residue. Or maybe it's really bigger than that and i'm lying to myself. Maybe...I'm allowing it to grow and choke out the good and the positive. Is this going to kill me? Is this actually a resentment towards myself?

Oh shit. Now that I've scared the hell out of myself I think I'll shut up. I don't want misery anymore, ever. Not today.

My jumping off spot:

The girl who seemed unbreakable---BROKE

The girl who seemed so strong---CRUMBLED

The girl who always laughed it off---CRIED

The girl who never stopped trying---FINALLY, GAVE UP

They always say, "it takes what it takes." I thought i could take care of myself and thought i was doing a good job of it. HA,HA! The joke was on me. It took tons of misery of all different kinds to get me to decide that my best thinking was destroying not only me but my 3 beautiful children. Then one day I decided to scream out in desperation before i took my life. " What the fuck do you want?" That was my turning point. My jumping off spot. I finally let me go. I knew beyond all doubt that i was nothing without His help. I walked away from everything and started going to meetings and got a job. Started taking care of just me. Gradually my life began to change. I began to hear other people try to help. My thinking started to clear. I began to see and thought to myself "I'm wide awake now." This took months but along the way the oldtimers would say, "Don't give up before the miracle happens, and it will happen."

A miracle did happen and is still happening. I'm sober and not quite as insane as i used to be. I've also heard and which i believe, "God brought me to AA and AA brought me back to God." But for the grace of God...I'm grateful.   

He takes care of what i can't:

This was my 1st post. Date? IDK!

HEBERT SPENCER IN HIS WISDOM WROTE: "THERE IS A PRINCIPLE WHICH IS A BAR AGAINST ALL INFORMATION, WHICH IS PROOF AGAINST ALL ARGUMENTS AND WHICH CANNOT FAIL TO KEEP A MAN IN EVERLASTING IGNORANCE---THAT PRINCIPLE IS CONTEMPT PRIOR TO INVESTIGATION."

OKAY, HERE'S THE DEAL. I'M NOT RELIGIOUS. RELIGION CONFUSES ME. I'VE TRIED IT IN THE PAST AND JUST ENDED UP VERY ILL, INSANE OR WHATEVER. I'VE ALWAYS BELIEVED IN THE EXISTANCE OF GOD AND I USED TO BELIEVE HE HATED ME, SO I HATED HIM. MY THINKING WAS IF HE LOVES THE CHILDREN SO MUCH THEN WHY DID HE LET ME BE HURT SO TRAUMATICALLY AS A YOUNG CHILD AND YOUNG ADULT AND YOUNG MOTHER. WHY?

TODAY, I KNOW THAT PLAYING THE VICTIM WAS EASY BECAUSE I COULD BLAME EVERYONE ELSE AND NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY BEHAVIOR. AS A MOM, I'VE MADE MISTAKES. I DID THE BEST I KNEW BECAUSE I LOVE MY CHILDREN. I NEVER WANTED THEM TO EXPERIENCE THE PAIN THAT I'VE KNOWN.

JUST MAYBE THOSE PEOPLE FROM MY CHILDHOOD DID THE BEST THEY KNEW ALSO. GOD GAVE US ALL "FREE WILL" AND IT'S WHAT EACH ONE OF US DOES WITH IT THAT MAKES GOOD OR BAD THINGS HAPPEN. I MADE BAD CHOICES AND PEOPLE GOT HURT. TODAY, THE DIFFERENCE IS THAT I KNOW I HAVE A CHOICE. I DON'T HATE GOD. HE HAS ALWAYS HELD ME IN HIS HANDS AND DID FOR ME THAT WHICH I COULD NOT DO FOR MYSELF.

AS LONG AS I CONTINUE TO DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING I TRULY BELIEVE THAT GOD WILL ALWAYS CARRY ME IN HIS HANDS, SAFE AND PROTECTED.

THIS VIDEO HAS HELPED ME HAVE A WHOLE DIFFERENT UNDERSTANDING OF...WELL SOMETHING. EVERYTIME I WATCH THIS, AND IT'S MANY, I CRY. TEARS OF PURE JOY. DID I SAY JOY? YES, IN THIS 12 STEP PROGRAM I'VE LEARNED TO EXPERIENCE JOY.

This is a video that was sent to me by e-mail from my foster mother a few months back. A guy named Louie Giglio. It's AWESOME! 

  JUST WATCH IT, PLEASE. ALL OF IT.