Well, I just wanted to say that I had a fucking blast at WCNA. I have never seen that many people in recovery all in the same place at the same time. The workshops were great, and ALL of the main speakers were awesome!
I also had a bitchin' time at the 12SS lunch. It was a pleasure meeting all of you in person, and I feel much closer to you now that we've hugged!
I think it's cool that we got tatoos, because now, everytime that I look at it, I will remember you guys that were there with me!
I have some homework to catch up on, but I just wanted to let everyone know how I felt!
Okay, so. Tamela and I are soooo booked for the WCNA at the end of August. I was wondering if anyone else was going to San Antonio for the convention???
We are totally stoked to go, and hopefully we will get to meet some of our new 12SS friends!
Oh, how I miss you all so. It's amazing how a little creature who has only been around for 9 months can consume soooo much of our lives, time, and love. That is what I am learning.
Lilli is great! And big, as you can tell from the picture. She is crawling around, and lemme just tell you, she is QUICK! She really wants to walk, but her balance is, well, not very balanced, so she is content pulling up on stuff and walking around and around and around the coffee table.
I just celebrated 4 years at my job. 8-5 is still a real bitch. I'm taking 3 classes at the college and am only 6 away from my Associates in Accounting. I'm taking care of business with my home group and am looking forward to April 1, 2007.
I finally got a sponsor that I can relate to, that I will listen to, and that I will actually CALL. My steps are......going. My life is serene, and I have worked REALLY, REALLY, REALLY hard lately on some of my character defects. It got to the point where I was making everyone around me miserable. Life's too short for that shit.
We just had a member of our group take his own life, and sad as it is, it made me TRULY grateful for what I have. A life that is good, a husband who is the world, and a daughter that is the light of my life. I don't have time to bitch about the small things. I have a life to live, you know?!
Anyway, I hope that all of you are living your lives one minute at a time, and cherishing every second of it. I miss you all, and I apologize for not having more time on my hands.
Love you and see you all soon. Drop me an email if you want:
I missed everyone so much! Our trip to Jamaica was great, mon! Besides having to tell the natives like a million and eight times that we didn't want any pot, we had a wonderful time!!
The wedding was gorgeous, and I made a slideshow to show it off! Pictures of Jamaica are soon to follow!
Things I've Recently Wondered. Posted on: 12/14/2006
Why do we desire what we don't have, when we already have something worth desiring?
Why do I feel sexier in the dark?
Why does broccoli give me gas?
Why is it so hard to let go of "stubborn?"
How can my feet possibly get THIS stinky?
Why does it take so long to get a pizza delivered?
Why do people talk to the television?
Why is it that I need to know the answers to these questions? Why do I ask "Why" so much? Why do I care? Why do you? Why are we here? What does it matter? What's the fucking point? Why are you still reading this? Why don't you give me some answers?
Why will be the death of me, and that is NOT a question.
Assident......And General Life Update Posted on: 12/08/2006
Wooooooooooow. Been a while since I blogged a bit. Hmm. Anywho.
I'm Angela. Drinker, user, abuser, asss breaker, wedding planner, weight loser, friend to the flowers.
Saturday, November 25, 2006. Group of 19 people and 16 ATVs. We have a hell of a time at the sand dunes!! I'm so cool. My sister and I ride up to the top of a dune. There were people there, so I headed down the side of the dune....and parked.....yes, sideways on the side of a frickin' sand dune. Darn ATV tipped (yes, while it was parked) and voila!! Broken Tailbone. Hurt like all getout. We were out in the middle of nowhere, and I thought I had just bruised it or something, so I took it easy for a while. Finally I decided that X-Rays would confirm the assident. 2 hours after the tip-over, I arrive in the ER, and the worst is confirmed. Yes, it's broken. In........So..........Much............Pain. I request non-narcotic pain pills, but I won't be able to get the prescription filled until the next day. I leave the hospital with 4 hydrocodone pills to get me through the night. I took them as directed, because I reeeeeeeaaaaaaally don't trust myself. They helped me sleep semi-decent, but also reminded me as to why I am here in this program. That groggy feeling just didn't sit the same with me. Glad to get my prescription filled the next day.
Doctor told me to take it easy for 3 or 4 days after the assident, but that was something I just couldn't do. With my 2 week Christmas/Wedding/Honeymoon trip coming up at the end of this month, I couldn't afford to miss work. I stayed off my bootay on Sunday, and missed work on Monday...at home practicing sitting. I was back at work on Tuesday. Holy Cow! Been in pain ever since. I'd much rather lay down or stand up. But you can only do so much of that. I am getting better at sitting, and besides, my posture has never been better! It's moreso the transition from up to down and vice versa that kills me the most. I have come to find out that Ibuprofen actually makes me feel the best.
I know you guys like it, love it, can't get enough of it.........but enough about my assilicious backside.....
Lilli just turned 6 months old. Healthy little booger. Weighed in at 18 lbs. 11 ounces. The nurse gave her 3 shots, and it PISSED her off. She got over it, and so did I. It is sooooo awesome to watch the transition from newborn to toddler. Grabbing things, tasting EVERYTHING, rolling across the floor, laughing, touching my face, mimicking my sounds.....doctor says she will start crawling any day now. Words can't possibly describe how this small little thing makes me feel inside. I thank GOD everyday that I am sober and can enjoy this experience.
Jared is in Albuquerque today taking part II of his LADAC test. He rules!! Pray if you want to.
Our plane flies out on Friday, December 22 at 6:25am. From Texas to Ohio for Christmas with the in-laws-to-be. I am honored to become a part of this family. This will be Lilli's first plane trip. I am a little worried about how my derrière will do in the air, but the doctor told me that "once you have flown pregnant, you can do anything." I hope she is right. The day after Christmas, Jared and I will be leaving Lilli with her grandparents, in Ohio, and we are off to JAMAICA, baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 6 days 7 nights. Sunset at the Palms, Negril, Jamaica. Much needed and well-deserved getaway for the both of us. Picture this: Thursday, sunset, the beach. That's where we will be on 12/28. Vowing to grow old together, in front of GOD and the ocean blue. A small, minute amount of nervousness has crept in, but nothing too major just yet. I am sure that will set in later. I am trying to prepare myself for that....but not really sure how to go about it.
New Year's Day, 2007, back to Ohio for the little one. 2nd day of the new year yields a flight from Ohio back home. Then, back to the grind on day 3.
I hope all is well in the lives of my beautiful social network.
Stay tuned for wedding pics and possibly video. Happy and safe holidays to you and yours.
Today is Friday, October 27, 2006. Current MST is 9:31 am. Tonight is PDAP's halloween party. I was in charge of organizing the shindig. I hope all goes well. I am going to be a nun. Jared, a priest. Lilli, a monkey. (see profile pics for Lilli's darling costume!) Party is scheduled from 8:00 pm MST until midnightish. Upon completion of this costume party/dancing/cake walk/bobbing for apples/eating/pumpkin carving contest/movie/FUN TIME, Jared and I will be leaving for The Big D. Yes, Dallas, TX.
Driving at night will alot us plenty of time to hit the Bass Pro Shop in Grapevine, followed by Grapevine Mills Mall, then on to the Bradford Suites in Dallas for rest. Upon completion of checking in to the hotel, naps and "quality time together," we will be heading to the Dr. Pepper Star Center, in Irving, for the Kings/Stars Hockey Game!!!!!!!!
Now, this will be my first official Pro Hockey game. I have seen a hocky game before (The Odessa, TX Jackelopes), but it was NOTHING compared to what I am going to experience!! We have AWESOME seats! The game and the hotel is a gift to us from Jared's parents for congratulations of Jared celebrating his 4 years of sobriety. (Sept 1, 2002) He got sober at 17. He is awesome.
Anywho.
We have to leave Lilli with my mother over the weekend. Our first multi-night trip without her. I am a little worried that I will freak out. I'm sure I'll get over it, for I know that she is in good hands, but still....she's my baby!!! I won't be around, but I will be thinking about all of you while I am gone. Especially you Dallasinians. Who knows who I'll run into!!!
Allow me to introduce MY homegroup. Posted on: 10/20/2006
My name is Angela. I am an alcoholic. I am an addict. THIS is my homegroup.
"PDAP is a fellowship of young people and parents who share their experience, love and understanding, that they may solve their common problems and help others to recover from the effects of mind changing chemicals. PDAP is non-sectarian, and and the primary requirement for membership is a desire to live a chemically free life. Our primary purpose is to carry our love and understanding to others, and to practice the principles of love and honesty in our daily lives with the help of God, as we understand him."
The Palmer Drug Abuse Program, in Hobbs, NM, is my homegroup. PDAP was founded in 1971, at Palmer Memorial Episcopal Church, in Houston, TX. PDAP has now grown to several cities in Texas, as well as New Mexico, Oklahoma and California.
Unlike other fellowships, we recognize the completion of 30 days of sobriety with a fist, or a "Monkey Fist."
The "Monkey Fist" is a mariner's knot used by ships to help them dock. A baseball sized knot, with lines attached, is thrown from the ship to dock---the first contact the ship has with land. The crew on shore catches the knot, secures the line to the dock, and pulls the ship to shore. PDAP has adopted this as a symbol representing our sobriety as we are pulled in from the sea of drugs and alcohol. The fist symbolizes first contact with solid ground, and the group symbolizes the crew that pulls the newcomer safely to the shore. Traditionally, the small leather fist is suspended on a leather thong, and is worn around a PDAPer's neck. (Or, in many cases, like mine, around the rearview mirror in the car!!!)
PDAP adopted the 12 steps, with a few minor changes and adjustments, as a guide to living.
THE 12 STEPS OF PDAP:
1. We admitted that mind changing chemicals had caused at least part of our lives to become unmanageable.
2. We found it necessary to "Stick WIth Winners" in order to grow.
3. We realized that a Higher Power, expressed through our love for each other, could help restore us to sanity.
4. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understand Him.
5. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
6. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
7. We became willing to allow our Higher Power, through the Love of the group, to help change our ways of life and humbly asked Him to help us change.
8. We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. We made direct amends to such people, whenever possible,e xcept when to do so would injure them, others, or ourselves.
10. We have continued to look at ourselves, and when wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. We have sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with our Higher Power, that we have chosen to call God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us, and the courage to carry that out.
12. We, having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, tried to carry our love and understanding to others, and to practice these principles in our daily lives.
My homegroup is sooo awesome! I feel a part of, and for that I am truly grateful.
Jared finally made our local satellite a homepage! Feel free to check it out:
http://www.palmerdrugabuseprogram.org
As always, thanks for being there. Thanks for caring. Thanks for sharing. I love you guys sooo much! Just for today, I am here. Just for today, I am sober. Just for today, I love me.
Okay. Here I go. Attempting a blog. A personal diary available for the world to see.
Drugs kept me safe. In my own little world I could feel how I wanted, do what I wanted, and be who I wanted. I was content. My insane thinking told me that I looked good. I never ate, I never slept...I was a mess. On and off, more often on than off, I was comfortable with my weight. I could control it. Can't we all? Drugs helped me with that. They were my friends. They didn't talk about me behind my back. They didn't take my things. They didn't pretend to like me....they really did like me. And I liked them right back. I was like a puppy. "Love me, love me, love me." They did, and I let them.
Girls are so odd. Weight this, and jean size that. Blah, blah, blah. I always claimed not to be that girly. I always claimed that I didn't care. I did care, and I was that girly. "I can't quit what I'm doing, I will just pack on the pounds and be miserable about who I am." I couldn't possibly have been more miserable than I already was.
Okay. So I quit. The way my luck runs, the rehab that I attended had the best cook in the whole frickin' world in the kitchen. "Oh, great," I thought. Here we go. I did crunches at night, ate like a pig, and lost 3 pounds over the course of 28 days. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all. I knew that I could never be a size 2 CK model, my build is just not sufficient for that. I was unwillingly satisfied with where I was. Rehab is over, and I go home. I am careful about what I eat, I exercise often, and things are okay.....but only as okay as I pretend that they are on the outside. On the inside I hate what I am, and what I look like.
Six months into recovery, I meet a boy. An awesome boy. A counselor for a drug abuse program. After talking to my sponsor, and he talking to his, we dive head first into the shallow end. BLAM! Baby on the way. Just like that. Okay. I can handle this. We were excited, and things were great. Here comes the weight gain. "Normal for pregnancy" so they say. Who in the f*ck are THEY. THEY are always saying things. F*CK THEY. Sorry, I digress.
I don't eat for two, because I have heard of the consequences. My exercise ceases. With a living thing inside of you, your inhibitions seem lowered. No energy, swollen everything, and all for the sake of procreation. Again, THEY say that my weight gain is healthy, and not out of the ordinary. I feel fat and ugly. Again, THEY say that is normal.
Here comes Lilli. The light of my life. MY daughter. It brings tears to my eyes just being able to say that. MY daughter. I say that every single pound, and every single stretch mark, and every single hormonal imablance is worth it. It is worth it. It really is worth it.
Now I am stuck. The extra pounds love me and they won't go away. I don't eat too crazily, and I walk on a regular basis. Instant gratification isn't instant, and it isn't gratifying. It's a figment of the addict's imagination.
The significant other is tired of hearing about it. "You are beautiful," he says. "I love you," he says. "Quit doing this to yourself," he says. I say okay on the outside, but I scorn him on the inside.
Why can't I stop doing this to myself? Is it because I am female? Is it because I am an addict? Is it because I am human? Now I want to go eat, but I'm not going to. This totally sucks.
