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 Why I do Service
Posted on: 11/13/2007
“Everything that occurs in the course of N.A. service must be motivated by the desire
to more successfully carry the message of recovery to the addict who still suffers.
Basic Text pg. xvi.”
Soon after I arrived in NA someone suggested I get a sponsor. When I asked what a sponsor was I was told a sponsor was “ Simply one addict helping another”. The two-way street of sponsorship is a loving, spiritual, and compassionate relationship that helps both the sponsor and sponsee. So I got a sponsor who I thought had something I wanted. Fortunately, I got a sponsor who was service oriented.
He offered the following suggestions: if we wanted to keep what we had we had to give it away, if I liked coming into a meeting where there was coffee made to help me stay up on my first days in the fellowship, I should show up early and learn to brew a pot for the group. If I liked that there was a place for me to sit when I got there, I should show up early and make sure the chairs were set-up for the new comers and the old-timers alike who offered me the suggestions that might save my life.
Another thing that made me feel weird initially were the hugs, but as I kept coming back I looked forward to the warm greeting and the feeling of connection to another human being. Soon I started coming to meetings early and helping set-up then going outside to greet newcomers and everyone else with a big old hug.
Within 90 days of coming to NA, my sponsor had me not only chairing meeting but was getting me ready to take over as secretary. After six months, I was elected a GSR for this group. He explained that in service we ensure this gift of recovery is available to the still suffering addict, that no addict anywhere needs die from the horrors of addiction. Also, that being a trusted servant is an honor and that service gives us opportunities to grow.
Service gave me a sense of purpose early on when I felt like I was out of place with the world. Unemployable, it made me feel like I was needed. Finally, I was pleased to find that people depended on me. Setting up the meeting, greeting people and sharing what I had learned about living without drugs with other addicts I grew more and more. There have been times when I grew complacent and resentful of my responsibilities. However, it is at those points I see time again and time again that separation from an atmosphere of recovery and service stalls our recovery.
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 blind melon & a reminder why I don't often go to shows
Posted on: 10/14/2007
So anyways it was my best friend Rich's daughter Cheyenne's 15th birthday
Or at least it will be in like a week and one of her favorite bands is a band Rich & I loved a lot in high school
http://www.myspace.com/blindmelon
Which is coincidental that the original lead singer for blind melon
Shannon Hoon died from the horrors of addiction
anyways that was way back in 1995
Ha-ha I never thought I would describe 1995 as way back
Anyhow after a long hiatus the boys in blind melon decided to try and find a new singer this 25 yr. old kid who sounded just like Shannon this kid Travis Warren was a badass
but I digress before I even go there
I got to say the opening band was incredible if you like a throw back roots rock and roll band that is not a grateful dead rip-off
because I hate the dead
anyways
http://www.myspace.com/dustyrhodes
aka
Dusty Rhodes & the river band
is the name of the band
and they and blind melon put on one hell of a show
Here is my purpose for the blog cause trust me I probably would never admit nowadays that I am or was ever a blind melon fan I am way to cool of hip-hop underground guy for that but I digress again...
The music was great but the venue was complete shit if you ever get a chance to go to " the basement" in Columbus, Ohio's arena district save yourself the grief
Here's why
1.we paid $10 for parking
2. $17 dollars to see what basically equals to a tribute band in my eyes but because it was run by promo west the biggest promoter in Columbus we got taxed
3.the venue is terrible the main floor was seriously in a pit not bigger than MAYBE!! 12 by 12 feet and then the term basement really hit home I am 6'3" and could barely see the bands the whole time my friend's daughter is a small girl maybe 5'3" and she got elbowed like 4 times in the face trying to get up front so she could watch more than armpit the whole damn show
4.retards repeatedly lighting up pot which not only do I hate the smell now but is a fire hazard in a place like that
5.37 kind hearted offers to "lemme buy you a drink bruh you look bummed" look bro I'm not bummed I am chilling trying in vain to enjoy one of my favorite throwback jam bands second I am not your "bruh" and third I really don't want to smell the jager-bomb stench off your breath thanks
I am sick with a cold but because it is someone who I basically feel like is my niece who I've watched grow into a lovely awesome cool god loving high school student who I am very proud of I went to the show against my better judgment also just for today I know I am not going to drink and my friend Rich supports me whole heartedly. So yeah the venue sucked shit but the band was as tight as ever. Just for today I didn't feel the need to bash the skull in of some dickhead who was not watching out for a young girls head and I know the kids meant well but I didn't feel the need to get high to have whatever fun I managed to scrape out of the night and afterwards me and my bro and his little girl had a good talk about the show and prayer and living a god centered life which was awesome and I got to pick up some white castles which a sleepy mom and my cat Mr. Tuxedo where only too happy to share with me
It's the little things and it reminds me that in life I focused so long on the small moments that made me miserable and let them rule the day but today I have some recovery and I know for all the stuff I didn't like tonight there was stuff I wouldn't change for a half a second and these the moments I will remember and cherish
I DID have fun tonight and I did it without the use of drugs
God really is good.
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 HE RETURNS!!!!!!
Posted on: 10/07/2007
Well this site has been making my safari crash
this is the default browser of my MAC
I guess I am powerless of knowledge-less (is that even real word..lol)
on how to fix it so I guess I will be using camino a mozilla based browser that is in development which I am not as used to as safari for a lot of reasons but it is more stable on this site in the interim until I either figure out what the issue is or just break down and restart from scratch which I don't think I'm going to do until I get a external drive odon't wanna lose all this precious MP3's haha
So besides all that nonsense
here is a small update on me
I have 2 years 1 months and 15 days I think as I write this give or take a day.
I finally worked my 5th step with my sponsor I feel a freeness I cannot describe.
I am attempting to get a job in a treatment facility and am going to start get my CDC (chemical dependacy cert.) this semester or next hopefully if it is in my higher powers plan this semester.
I am still involve in service and recently wrote this for our monthly
newsletter
Soon after I arrived in NA someone suggested I get a sponsor
When I asked what a sponsor was I was told a sponsor was
Simply one addict helping another. The two-way street of sponsorship is a loving, spiritual, and compassionate relationship that helps both the sponsor and sponsee.
So I got a sponsor who I thought had something I wanted
Fortunately for me I got a sponsor who is very service oriented
He offered the suggestion that if we wanted to keep what we had we had to give it away that if I liked coming into a meeting where there was coffee made to help me stay up on my first days in the fellowship and trust me I needed the coffee to stay awake initially
That I should show up early and learn to brew a pot for the group
If I like that there was a place for me to sit when I got there I should show up early and make sure the chairs were set-up for the new comers and the old-timers alike who offered me the suggestions that might save my life.
Another thing that made me feel weird initially
Was the hugs but as I kept coming back I looked forward to the warm greeting and the feeling of connection to another human being who I didn’t feel wanted anything more than to let me know they were glad I was there and wanted to show it with a little humanity and a warm hug so I started coming to meeting early and helping set-up then going outside to greet newcomers and everyone else with a big old hug
Within 90 days of coming to NA my sponsor had me not only chairing meeting but was getting me ready to take over as secretary
And 6 months later I was elected a GSR for this group
He explained and I grew to believe that
In service we ensure this gift of recovery is available to the still suffering addict that no addict anywhere needs die from the horrors of addiction also that being
A trusted servant is an honor and that
Service gives us opportunities to grow little did I know just how much service would affect me
It gave me a sense of purpose early on when I felt like I was out of place with the world and unemployable it made me feel like I was needed and more over wanted I was pleased when I found people depended on me but it also got me out of my head and when I came to a meeting full of stinking thinking and disgusted with life on life’s terms.
Setting up the meeting and then greeting people and,
Sharing what I had learned about living without drugs and just sharing where I was at in my recovery in the meeting and then seeing what I had in common with another addicts I grew more and more.
There of course have been times when I grew complacent and resentful of my responsibilities but it’s at those points I see again and again that separation from an atmosphere of recovery and service stalls our recovery and this is only through working a program of recovery and the good experiences I have seen through doing some service work
and
I still all of you
ILS
Scott O aka Dvsalias
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 turning it over can be a painful waiting game
Posted on: 12/05/2006
- MAN!!!!
Ok so I have 1 year 3 months and 13 days of clean time
And am now working on my worksheet my sponsor has anyone do before they start there 4th step it is basically a re-working of the first 3 steps in a short form to go over them in without the focus on drugs so much and more focusing our recovery and becoming a more responsible and productive member of society and also clearing our minds getting ready for the searching and fearless moral inventory without being still totally focused on the drugs because in my sponsors experience we should now be ready to move on and start becoming the person we want to be.
So basically I am re-working the second step and I have to admit I am not feeling it but I am willing to follow my sponsor suggestions because they have helped stay clean this far and also they are what he did so if it worked for him it might work for me I am just so ready to begin my 4th step but I guess it will happen when it happens and not a second sooner.
The other thing that is frustrating me is I have been waiting to get started with this vocational rehabilitation program where they access your strong points and weaker points and then put you into job training where they decide if a job or going back to college is for you and then assist with job placement and/or college grants and getting back in the swing of going into college or the work-a-day world. Anyway I will be starting that officially this coming Monday so that is exciting indeed.
I think the thing is now that I see things happening but they are happening on my higher powers times and I want to speed things up but when I did things my way and forced actions to happen in my life my ideas and practices got me in the rooms of NA so I try to stay focused on the “easy does it, just for today” mind state. But it just isn’t easy.
Lately I find myself depressed and agitated and just being more of a asshole than I already can be for instance tonight there were side conversations at my home group and this was after in my trusted servant announcements I asked for people to wait for the meeting to close or take the side conversations outside and they were talking while I was reading this statement and when one of the chatty members was sharing I loudly said “apparently mother fuckers are deaf” (pardon my French for the sensitive folks) and I know people heard my little outburst I also was very grumpy when I shared and also stole a cookie out of the church’s kitchen. Sigh my amends step is going to be interesting LOL. On the way home my friend who is staying on my couch so he can make meetings while he is jobless without a car said “Damn you were on some real unmanageable shit in there I been meaning to ask you what’s the deal?” this coming from a repeat relapser who is semi-retarded in his actions most of the time but fortunately I was humble and receptive enough to realize that sometimes my higher power speaks to me in strange ways and I have to be receptive to hear his message sometimes my higher power whispers in my ear other times it in the mouths of “babes” .
But anyways I got home took a shower ate some food which is another reason I was probably acting grumpy as I am a diabetic and took my medicine and settled down and I do feel much calmer but I don’t know I guess really I am just looking for suggestion to help me maintain serenity in this “in-between time” or whatever you’d want to calls this period of my life maybe a growing period. I am in a good place I love my friends and family and have no desire to use but I do need to stay honest so any experience strength and hope is welcome.
Just for today I see things getting better I just need to allow for things to happens on god’s time and stay calm.
LET GO AND LET GOD
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 Spinach and other stuff
Posted on: 09/27/2006
So I recently realized I’ve been craving a nice heaping plate of spinach to go with my chicken breast or whatever I am eating for my meal and this e-coli business is really starting to get on my nerves what are we living in the middle ages I mean c’mon already get these pesky outbreak under control mr.goverment
Past that random thought I know I been drilling peoples brains on working the fourth step but it’s only because I worked my third step with my sponsor and he suggested we take a break for a month then we would go over the first three steps taking some of the focus away for the drugs and work them in terms of recovery and becoming a productive member of society who trusts his higher power to continue on showing me new things about my self and to remove me further from my desires to use and closer still to being the person I want to be.
This brings me to the point that I don’t want to wait I don’t want to review the first three steps I want what I want NOW!!
LOL such an addict I know
but for real
I want to start this fearless moral inventory while I got the nerve to be
uh
fearless or something
But I also know following the suggestions of my sponsor and doing the next right thing have gotten me this far so I have to let go and let god guide me on a path towards enlightenment?
Maybe?
Moreover it just seems like I may be starting to turn I over to my higher power and not self-willing every dang aspect of my life.
For example I am secretary and GSR of my home group and for a while it felt like a blessing to be giving back to my fellow addicts being to able to be of service but after 8 months of doing this
little stuff started to bother me like the church treating us like we were second class citizens and that as self identified addicts they could talk down to me like I was in sixth grade of some crap
Then there is always the issue of getting people to stick around and for group conscious let alone sticking around to rinse out the coffee pot or putting chairs where they belonged.
Don’t even get me started on the treasurer who is harder to find to do his job than the Holy Grail.
Then there was the problem of doing H&I and having the facilitator who has almost half a year less clean time than me telling me I was doing my duties in H&I all wrong this has lead me to not want to honestly deal with this addict and/or continue on even bothering with the H&I.
Then there is the issue of a close friend in the fellowship who has basically quit coming to the rooms because I no longer feel comfortable being his enabler
And since he left me high and dry for the fifth time picking him up for meetings when it is not near to me at all and I was just trying to serve my fellow man and got stabbed in the back again.
I mean Jesus what’s a guy to do?
I’ll tell you some ideas I thought of
As far as the home group situation I see that group
Growing and really being something that people can count on a place to go to save there lives and get some recovery so all my hard work and the work of people who still care about that group means something.
As far as having to do a lot of the work on my own I need some responsibility in my life and working hard and being accountable for something not a bad thing.
This last week I realized I really do love my home group and cherish it and the idiosyncrasies just add character to group I am glad I get to do service at all if I was still in active addiction I don’t think I’d even be here right now
I mean before NA I wan't taking care of my gout and Ididn't even know I was diabetic let alone all the poison I shovled into my body
As far as the H&I guy I need to get my head out of my butt-hole and practice principles over personality’s if nothing else he probably did have some good points I just didn’t respond well to some new comer telling me how to do my thing when it isn’t my things it’s Narcotic Anonymous' thing and I have no right doing it my way it’s important I spread the correct message as I believe it could truly save a life if gets the ears and heart and mind of the right people.
I think I owe dude and apology for being stand offish
And I need to get on the ball and get back to doing what I know is a very necessary service for my fellowship
As far as my mysterious treasurer he is a busy man and who am I to take his inventory in the long run the groups money is straight and the area gets there piece and the group stays stocked for the most part even if the text and coffee well runs dry sometimes
On the topic of my friend I did what I had to do as suggested by my support group and sponsor and enabling the dude was getting me nowhere I just have to remember this is a program for people who WANT to change not for people who NEED to change.
All this and more reminds that things are getting better that things are going on in my life.
I am currently in vocational rehab trying to find a career instead of a petty crappy job that will make me unhappy I have good friends surrounding me.
My health is ok minus the gout in my left big toe and this cold that I can’t quite shake
OOO POOR ME PITY PARTY YOU GUYS!!
otherwise I can’t complain, although I still want some spinach.
Basically I realize that I have to continue chasing recovery like I chased the dope and the only thing I have to change to get well and truly receive the benefits of recovery is EVERYTHING!!!
I hope this all makes sense,
And remember if no one has told you they love you today
I love you
ILS,
Dvs Alias
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 fourth step here I come and other assorted thoughts
Posted on: 09/06/2006
Today was an ok day
I slept in, as I believed I was coming down with a cold
But with some serious hydration and crazy amounts of rest
I think I will be ok
As for missing my H&I service meeting
I have to have faith they did ok without me and that the group will keep me informed on what I missed
I still feel bad for missing the meeting but sometimes-getting proper and much needed rest supercedes my need to feel like captain serenity
I am only one man I can only do so much
Still I wish I could've dragged my sizeable buttocks out of bed and gone to meeting
Cie la vie' alas
I did not
In other recovery news I recently got my year
And my libido seems to have noticed now if only I could find an interesting girl in NA who has a year is reasonably healthy and like me...who doesn't already have a man
Well that'd be pretty firkin sweet
OR
Just a nice earth girl who doesn't use would be even better if she could deal with me not being perfect and realize I will get better AND better
But honestly some good old-fashioned rolls in the hay couldn't hurt a brother either
Past this
I finished my third step (we made the decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understood him)
And let me just type WOOHOO!!!
I made a fearless and rigorously honest attempt and working the step and truly feel as though I have finally starting letting go and letting god
Turning it over can be so sweet and now that I understand the concept a bit more it feels so right
No if I can only get my head out my ass and work through this worksheet I know my sponsor has for me basically the re-affirms and goes over all of the first three steps the yeah I think I will be able to jump right into my fourth step
(We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves)
But I haven't started it officially yet so I won't share any perils of wisdom that I don't have.
But I digress.... seriously. Like a mug
After lounging in front of my play station all day watching movies and playing the godfather: the game
I went out to Mongolian bbq with my cousin from Georgia
We are kindred spirits and even though at one point we used together
Today we focus on that fact we are both visual artists
(He has his PHD in fine arts and is a proff at some small college in Georgia)
So we talked shop
Looked at all the sexy waitresses
And ate like kings
If you have never experienced BD's Mongolian BBQ they are a chain and are still the bombsnicksnacksniggity
^^ Yes that’s a real word
How do I know?
I made it up
I then came home finished up my third step
And typed this all in all a good day I'd say
Besides the fact my nostrils hurt from blowing them all day
Stupid sinuses
And remember if no one has told you they love you today
Please remember I do
_Dvsalias
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