seeing jack on friday, as hard as it was to see him like that, made me grateful.  i was able to let go of emotions i'd been holding in for months.  i hadn't been able to cry, sob more like it, in months.  it felt so good.  

i did my 5th step on sunday.  i didn't feel an instant sense of relief like i'd pictured.  i'd thought in my head that i'd be ms. happy go lucky, ms. live & let live, all kinds of bouncey, that was the mental picture i'd anticipated.  instead, it was more of a calmness & peace.  it was wonderful.  i did feel a weight lifted off my shoulders.  it felt so good to not have anymore skeletons in my closet.  i think doing my 5th made me feel more aware of myself.  i realize now that i have a lot of work yet to do, and i stand ready & willing. 

jack died monday morning.  i'm still grieving his loss.  i went to the services yesterday.  they were beautiful and funny.  jack was a funny man & loved to be mischeivious.  he made sure there was some comic relief in his services.  the visitation was from 10a to noon.  he looked so peaceful.  the jack i saw on friday, though he was still physically living, didn't look like him.  the spent earthly vessel in the casket looked like the jack i knew.  he wore a beautiful suit and on his lapel was a cubs pin.  he was a die-hard cubbies fan.  thank goodness they had him wearing his calloway golf hat.  jack was rarely seen without that hat atop his head.  his golf clubs were among the beautiful flower arrangements.  the funeral was at unity church, which he was a congregant.  his homegroup also meets there.  then the services moved to the gravesite.  the funeral procession was 1/4 mile long.  it was amazing to see how many lives this man touched.  jack was a retired marine, so there was a military rights funeral with a 21 gun salute and taps.  as sad as it was, it was so beautiful & makes me grateful to have been a part of his life. 

you know, I'm honestly having a really hard time with it.   I'm not accustomed to handling my feelings in a healthy manner.  So this grieving process is taking a huge toll on me mentally.   I have this aching that won't go away.  It feels like my soul is aching.  I miss Senior terribly, yet I know he's enjoying the afterlife.   Dealing with his death is making me re-evaluate my feelings about religion.  It's making me question my beliefs.   I am already a spiritual person, but something that Jack told his nephew to share with everyone during the eulogy is really hitting home with me.  

i ended up hitting 3 meetings yesterday. 

today i'm going to hit 2. 

thank god for the fellowship.  thank god.

here i sit, avoiding work.  i'm in an okay spot today.  i heard a quote..."everything's okay, i just don't know it."  and it fits. 

i went to my dear friend jack's last night & he didn't look like himself.  it was so upsetting to see him so buggered up on meds to make his passing comfortable.  i've never dealt with anyone close to me dying before....especially not in sobriety.  i saw jack in the hospital a couple of times while he was still coherent.  all he could say is how proud of me he is & how much he loved me & how much i've grown since i first started coming around the tables.  he was at the first meeting i ever went to & has played an integral part in my sobriety.  it was really hard seeing him last night.  mentally i told him thank you for being you.  he showed me that by just being yourself & living the program, you can touch lives. 

after i visited jack, i went down to the i.s.c.y.p.a.a. movie & a meeting event.  the turnout wasn't as grand as we'd expected, but the speaker was excellent.  he hit some topics i really related to...like procrastinating the 4th step for months & when he finally did it, it didn't take long to finish. 

i finished my fourth step last weekend on a camping trip with my former sponsor.  we'd gone to a local campground, caught up with each other, roasted some hotdogs over the fire & made s'mores.  we wound down the night by being pyros & playing with the fire (safely of course!).  the next morning, gibby was doing some reading & meditation.  she suggested i get out my journal & work on my 4th step.  grudgingly i preceeded to write.  i'll be damned if i didn't finish in a couple hours.  i have an appointment with my sponsor tomorrow morning to do my 5th step.  there are some things that made it to my 4th i'm not looking forward to sharing, but i know that i want to have the relief of not having anymore skeletons in my closet.  i want to be able to look people in the eyes.  i'm more than ready to do my 5th & get on through the rest of the steps. 

today i get off work at 5pm, i'm going to the sobriety @ six meeting, then to the founder's day celebration. 

i'm so glad today is saturday...saturdays are my fridays...so my weekend is almost here!  yay.  lol.

 gratitude list:  sobriety, health, aa, oxford house, spirituality, my car, family, friends, tweezers, carli, air, friends calling to wake me for the 8am back to basics, art, music, ability to cry, zen gardens, colors, my job, coffee....

fini.