The spiritual theme of waiting wasn't really speaking to me over the last few weeks. There isn't really a spiritual theme of editing - but if there was, that would have been my theme. Finally last week, I could feel myself grooming my book proposal a little too much. It's one thing to push an unwilling fledgling out of the nest, it's quite another to hang onto it and prevent it from flying. It was time to print and send.

So I bundled up my work, took the package to the Post Office and paused in front of the mail slot. I remembered a similar moment in September 2005 when I dropped off about 200 outreach letters to local high school guidance counselors. The letter enclosed told them about the special meetings for teen sex addicts we were starting in our program. It outlined the safety boundaries we had adapted from Al-Anon/Alateen. We had done everything we could think of to provide safety to teens, parents and ourselves, and the time had come to let those letters fly.

What I did not know was at that, as I paused to wish them a safe journey, Hurricane Rita was entering the Gulf of Mexico. The next day Rita grew into a Category 5 storm that was heading straight for us. As I crated up my animals and prepared to hunker down for the storm of a lifetime, I thought, "I sure hope there are going to be schools left standing to receive all those letters we just mailed."  There were, but many letters got lost in the chaos of evacuation and re-entry. Still, we got a number of calls, and our local meetings began.

I stood there remembering in front of a virtually identical mail slot this weekend. I wished my proposal well, dropped it in, and turned to see three nice people quietly practicing the spiritual theme of the season.

Waiting.  

Last night I really sat with the question of what it is that makes me resist blogging. What makes it different from writing in my journal or talking in my home group? It turns out that it's not about the blog. The blog is just a new occasion to feel the usual fears I have all the time:

First, there is the ambient self-doubt that is my constant companion. It is the background noise that is with me all the time. Trying to get rid of it is like trying to get rid of my gender or my skin color. To it I say, "Welcome, friend. Peace be with you. Have a seat right here while I go about my business."

Next is the knowledge that I will screw up in clueless ways that will be visible to others. I can usually tell I've stepped in something by the patient smile on someone's face. It is a smile that does not take joy in my suffering. Authentically loving people treat my mistakes as predictable and temporary. Most don't even bother to tell me. I want to treat myself more like that over time.

Finally, I am afraid of what Bill W. calls "our destructive critics." (If you've never read Bill's piece entitled "Leadership in AA: Ever a Vital Need" in the AA Service Manual in the section on Concept IX, do yourself a favor and take a look. It is beautiful.) As an abuse survivor, I need to remind myself again and again that abusive people are rare. I do not need to be on high alert 100% of the time in order to deal with 3% of the world's population. My defensiveness telegraph's my fear - and turns me into an abuse magnet. When I treat everyone like a potential abuser, abusers are all I see. When I expect others to be kind, I not only see that I am surrounded by many safe people and the true abusers stand out in stark contrast.

The payoff for overcoming my resistance is that someday it will help some kid - a kid I'll never meet, but one who is just like the one I used to be. If I give up, or say No to any of the small things I know I need to do, no one will notice. No one will come after me or blame me. But I will know it is wrong. 

In the movie "About Schmidt," Jack Nicholson's character reveals himself in a series of letters to a character on another continent whom he will never meet.  These posts are basically the same exercise. I am dutifully writing them because I was advised to do so - but honestly I can't imagine who would even want to read them. In my mind, I see these posts flying to some electronic dead letter office on the continent of Internet-ica.

If nothing else, these entries will be helpful in allowing me to see the progress I am making. For instance, since I posted my initial entry, I found out that IITAP has certified a total of about 500 sex addiction therapists. In the same phone call, I found out that the panel discussion I was invited to participate in at IITAP in February has been confirmed, and I can begin writing my portion. (It also means that I can safely purchase a ticket to a Cubs season training game at HoHoKam.) Still haven't found the number of treatment providers for juvenile sex affenders, though.

I did manage to send requests to SLAA, SA, SAA, COSA and S-Anon to reprint some particularly nice quotes from their literature to illustrate general recovery principles in Shadow Kids. Adopting an intentionally inter-fellowship perspective has actually been a nice opportunity to open my own mind to a wider selection of sources.

The goals for the next few days include getting a trial version of the website up, and smoothing the rough places in my book proposal. I told the folks in my Ignatian prayer group this morning that the next time they saw me I wanted to be able to tell them that I had put my first proposal in the mail. And with that in mind, Ndugu, I will say goodbye for the next few days. Peace out.

I'm not entirely convinced this is necessary, but I can't say "Yes, I'm willing" to God and then say "No" to carrying out the details. So here I am learning how to blog.

The basic situation is this: I started writing a 12x12 for teen addicts in late September. I have a few sample chapters and some good friends who are helping me refine what I have written. I am almost done with a proposal to the first publisher (so I am well on my way to collecting my first rejection letter). I have decided to keep editing my proposal and sending it out until someone publishes the book. Trudge, trudge, trudge.

Today's goal is to find a place to host the online brochure that my buddy is putting together for me, and to find the number of CSATs and SOTPs that I can send material to someday to add to my proposal. Onward through the fog, as they say.

Alright, so now how do I post this thing? What happens if I click on this?.....