Emotions  when Using??? (sure i was numb...but i had small spurts of emotion, i think we all did. even if they WERE distorted)

happy--when the dope, the booze, or a man was around. can u consider that true happiness??? i dont think so...satisfaction maybe

fear--of life, of reality, of myself

anger--when there was nothing to get me fucked up...nothing there to dull the painful memories in my head. nothing to take me out of me. OH NO. anger at myself!!!  anger at the dopeman for having what i need and giving it to me. (yeah ive been angry at the dopeman for feeding my addiction lol how sick is that?)                anger at GOD

GUILT-SHAME- everytime i stuck a needle in me. the morning after a drunk, waking up in strangers beds. stealing from my family. seeing my son cry b/c mommy's still sick on drugs. thinking of the things ive done on drugs. guilt bc i have to use- to runaway from all this shit bc im too much of a pussy to face it.