Well here I am.  Today is a year.  Its been a long time since I’ve been clean for an entire year.  Heck, I can’t remember the last time.  Today is a weird day.  I don’t really know what it is.  Everything is good today as far as physical things go.  I’ve successfully rebuilt my “things” once again.  It’s not really all about things today though.  I have everything that I need and not all of the things I want.  I really don’t know what all these feelings that are coming up inside me are all about.  Insecurities are flaring up like there’s no tomorrow.  My entire mind is in some sort of haze.  Its weird.  I have not felt like this really ever before.  I can’t put my finger on it. 

Anyway, how did I do it?  Well, I lost everything.  That was a start.  I graduated from college and found myself homeless, unemployed and pretty much without any friends.  I reached out to one of the few people that still seemed to care and was brought back into the fold of AA/NA.  I started from scratch once again.  This time though, I grabbed a sponsor that knows what to do and I asked for help.  He was on me pretty hard to get the steps out of the way.  I focused on recovery for the first 11 months.  I spent 310 days in a sober living.  I went to tons of meetings..  I went to work in the morning and did meetings every night.  I busted my ass on the steps and got myself up to where I am making amends.  I started doing service.  I was actively participating IN recovery and not just hanging AROUND recovery.  I found a GOD that I could once again do business with.  I prayed and prayed and prayed.  It took a long time to get over the hump, but one day I woke up and the pain was gone.  He had carried me thru it. 

Today I have a pretty good life.  For some reason I am not able to see all of the good things but I can say that I do have a good life.  I’m sure I will wake up tomorrow and feel much better.  That’s in part why I’m writing this today.  I just need to focus on the message a bit.  Had I known I was going to feel all weird like this today, I’d have taken the day off and spent it in meetings.  Oh well..  I will hit one or two tonight.  My sponsor is such a character.  He calls me at 645am this morning and wakes me up to yell at me and tell me I lost him a bunch of money.  He’d been betting with the guys on whether I’d make it or not.(lol)  Nah, he’s been great.  He tells me I’m finally growing up. 

Well anyway, I think I just really needed to write and write until I feel better.  So far it is working a little bit.  I honestly just wish this day was over.  I definitely wish I was not at work.  UGH.  I’ve got about 2 hrs left and then I can get to a mtg.  Hopefully my spons isn’t going to embarrass me too much. 

Okay well, I guess I’ve written enough.

Laters,

G

Well, here I am approaching a year again.  I'm feeling prety good in my recovery today.  Life is good.  I'm broke but life is good.  My girlfriend and I are moving into a condo next month.  The funny thing is that I'm a bit scared.  I've been in sober living for a year now.  Wow!  How time flies.  It seems like just yesterday I was homeless, high and miserable.  Things have really changed over the last year.  I have learned alot.  Life has taken on new meaning.  Yes it has..  I am scared a bit of moving out and away from the guys.  It's like a big family of 15 men in recovery here.  It hasn't always been easy but... It's been a lifesaver.  Thats for sure.  I will always be grateful for this place.  

My sponsor has met my new girlfriend and approves of her.  My spiritual advisor has met her and is rather fond of her.  She seems to make a very good impression on everyone.  She is supportive of my recovery and is fully aware of the fact that nothing, NOTHING will come in between me and my recovery today.  Not a job, a car, a woman, nothing...  I made that very clear.  I just feel different today about so many things.  I love my life today and its because I'm clean and sober.  That is the bottom line.  I have a GOD in my life once again and honestly I have no real worries.   Today I have situations but not problems.  Today I focus on what is good and not what is bad.  Today I am IN recovery.  

My life is so full that I have to make time for myself.  That is something else I don't faulter on.. I take time for ME.  I am important today.  I am worth it...  I don't know... Its just different.  I focus on my recovery before anything else and everything seems to fall into place.  Without recovery I would have nothing, so it seems that as long as I have my recovery, I will have everything else.  Life just keeps getting better and better.  

Chantal is a very nice girl.  She treats me better than I've been treated in a long time.  She is younger but we feel good together and thats what matters I guess.  She teaches me things as do I her.  I don't know.. It just doesn't feel the same.  I'm not so wrapped up in her that I can't see anything else.  Today she is A PART of my life, not MY LIFE..   Today she is an accent to it, not the entire focus of it.  My sponsor has been keeping an eye on the whole thing and his only continuous words of advise are 1) step up the meetings and 2) don't let her become your higher power.

You know, when I went to him and told him I am scared, he said Greg - you are going to be okay.. You are doing all of the right things today.  He really is a great sponsor.  I don't think I could have asked for anyone better.  He's not easy.. He can be a dick when he needs to be but he also shows care and concern when that is needed too. He definitely does not take any crap from me.. He tells me when I'm full of shit without blinking an eye.  He's very intimidating when need be too.(lol)  I don't know, he's just a great sponsor.  I see him almost every day of the week because at 20+ years of recovery, he still attends a meeting every single day.  He goes to carry the message to the newcomer and he does it well.   He speaks from the book and talks about the solution.  He is a 12-stepper to the core.  He truly believes in it and it shows in everything he does.

I'm just truly blessed today.  I really am.  I'm more grateful for the things I have today than ever before.  I actually look forward to getting up in the morning.  Of course I don't like waking up, but once I put my feet on the ground and say good morning to my HP - It's on!  I love my job, I get to go to work every day and heck, they even pay me pretty good too. :))

Life is just good today.  I can't say its great because I have my own share of crap but today I choose to deal with what the day brings and apply the steps in every affair.  

I'll tell you a quick example of the changes that have went on with me.  I was seeing a girl at Xmas time and into the New Year.  Well, we decided it wasn't going anywhere and called it quits.  The amazing thing about it is first that I didn't get loaded and second, I still talk to her and she is a true friend today.  THAT is AMAZING for this addict.  Anyone that knows me, can totally understand how amazing that is...  It's all because of the steps, a GOD, a good sponsor, the fellowship and recovery in general..  The promises are coming true.  Go figure.  

If an addict of my variety can change and find recovery, anyone can.  I truly believe today that the steps ARE the solution.  GOD brought me to AA and AA brought me to GOD...   That is the fact for this guy.  Bottom line.

As my sponsor says, "Those who have taken the steps know those who have taken the steps.. Those who have not, don't know SHIT!"  Today I can see the difference.

My story ends with this today, "If you want what we have then do what we do..."

 Until next time, heed the words of the great Marcus...

"Begin - to begin is half the work, let half still remain; again begin this, and thou wilt have finished."
                                                                    [Marcus Aurelius] 

You know, recovery is amazing.  GOD is amazing.  Life is amazing.  Thats all I really have to say about that.

This post goes out to 12ss and all of the friends I've made from here.  You know, I was just reading a blog that one of the people I can honestly call my friend wrote.  Can you believe it has been almost 2 years since we all gathered here?  What a blessing.  I have met some of the most incredible people here and I can truly say I'm grateful for each and every one of them.  There are many of us who have walked through so much via this website that it is just really incredible.  I have built a genuine support group here in my cyberland.  I'm sending this blog invite out to everyone on my friends list because I want everyone to know that in one way or another they have been a part of my recovery.

I remember the O.G from back when the site was in its infancy.  Oh the days and nights we had.  Staying up until weeee hours of the morning chatting about everything that goes on in a recovering persons head.  Yes there were disputes and most everything you can imagine would occur in a "family".  I can honestly say I feel like those people who were constantly around, are part of my recovery family.  Some may not like me and I may not like some but I can say that I'm grateful for each and every one of the people I've met here.

I don't know.. Tonight I'm just really grateful to be clean and sober.  Life has sent me some curve balls over the last few days and right now the pink cloud I was on, is nowhere to be seen but alas - I'm clean and sober and I know that as long as I stay that way, all will be well.  Nothing major but with everything good, comes something bad I'm told.  What goes up, must come down.  Struggles are a part of life.  It's how I handle them that is the difference.  Today I was feeling pretty much not so hot but yet what did I do, I got my ass up and went to a meeting.  I came home feeling grateful for the fact that I'm clean and sober.  9 months ago I had none of this.  I didn't have the things to worry about because I didn't have ANYTHING.  Recovery once again has given me a life worth living.  

Today I look at the BIG picture and don't just wallow in the day to day stuff.  Over all, my life is pretty fucking good right now.  I have a GOD, I have an awesome sponsor, I have a handful of true friends here in town and I have a couple dozen people all over the world(one in australia that I can think of) who are friends.  I have friends from east to west, north to south... Its just amazing!  I just have to sit here and laugh as I look back over the last two years.  What a ride!  

Anyway thats really it... I just wanted to let people know that you have all made an impact on me in one way or another and I'm grateful for that.  Yeah, I'm getting all sappy n shit but hey, Deal with it!(lol)

Much love to all,

Your 2wistedServant (and I'm definitely 2wisted! )

Well hello from Milwaukee!  Yeah I'm off on a mini adventure once again.  Life has definitely taken on new meaning over the last nine months.  Its amazing what happens when I discover that I'm powerless over something.  Once that state of mind sets in, then its time to move onto something bigger and better.  I can truly say that my life today is better than I could have ever expected and it just keeps getting better.

Lets see, what has happened over the last nine months.  Well, I went from being homeless, hopeless, lost, broke and really sick to where I am today.  Today I have a home.  Today I have a job.  Today I have a car.  Today I have money in my pocket.  Today I have the woman of my dreams.  Today I have more of the physical stuff than I could have ever dreamed I would have again.  

The physical stuff is just that.. Stuff.  Of course we couldn't really live without Stuff but...(lol)  What is more important than the stuff I have today is the way I FEEL today.  I FEEL different inside.  I am really an entirely different person today.  Those people who knew me before probably don't even recognize me today.  I have changed that much.  These are the miracles of actually sitting down with a sponsor and doing some hard work.  I did the first 8 steps and am now working on number 9.  That will be a task but as it says in the big book, "we will be amazed before we are half way through.."  So far, I'm amazed already.  I can't even fathom what will be going on in my life once I've completed the ninth step.  MAN O MAN!  Honestly, if my life gets any better I don't really know what I will do.  Of course, I'll enjoy it.(lol)  

You know, today I had an interview for yet another great job.  Yeah its actually a pretty big deal.  Lets put it this way, the company flew me out to Milwaukee to interview me.  I can say this, I totally NAILED that interview.  I was on the money today.  Can't even believe I nailed it so good.  I can go on and on about the job but let me just say it will be a VERY good job.  I have to keep to myself about it, mainly because people get irritated with all of the good fortune I am seeing.  You know though, all I can say to those that want what I have is --- DO WHAT I DO!  I worked my ass off on the steps.  I pray.  I do meetings and I carry the message.  I made the decision to change my life and I have done the work to do it. 

I was in a meeting the other night and a woman was sharing after a number of people had finished whining about their life.  The woman said, "If your life is miserable, then you obviously have not worked the steps because I don't live a miserable life today and its because I took the steps necessary to not live that miserable life anymore."

Yes I have become a 12-Stepper.  Ifyou want what we have then do what we do...  I am a firm believer in the power of the steps.  So many people in meetings talk about "I'm working my 1st step" and this and that... I'm like, hell - if you haven't realized you are powerless over alcohol and your life is unmanageable then you may as well go have another drink!!  I am rather opinionated about the steps these days..  My sponsor says Those who did know those who didn't and those who didn't, DON'T KNOW SHIT!  So, my recommendation to anyone who wants to change the way they are living, feel that new freedom and that new happiness - is WORK THE STEPS!!!  ASAP!  Don't dilly dally with them.  Get er DONE!  What are you waiting for?  Find a sponsor that will push you to work them.  Find someone who has taken them.  Find someone who has changed as a result of the steps.  Find someone who has what you want and do what they did.  The bottom line is, WORK THE STEPS OR DIE!  It may not be a physical death but I can guarantee it will be an emotional and mental death.  Trust me because I was there.  I know.

Yes I did say I have a wonderful woman in my life.  I never thought I would.  I had all but given up on finding mrs right and was going to settle for Mrs. Okay...  I quit searching.  I just started living.  It's amazing what happens when I quit searching, trying to run the show and make all the actors line up the way I want them..  GOD steps in and takes over.  Oh, I forgot to mention... FIND A GOD! Any GOD.  I don't really care if your perception of GOD and mine are the same.  Find something to believe in.  There IS a GOD..  That I can say.  I digress.  Once I quit telling GOD what I wanted, he plopped someone amazing in my life.  I have no idea how it happened and its been rather surprising but yes, she is amazing!!!  She is not one of us but is very supportive in what I do.  She even went to a meeting with me the other night because she wanted to see what it was like.  She said it was a rather emotional experience.  She enjoyed it.  Now this is another amazing thing..  She isn't my world.  She is a portion of my world but I will not DIE without her.  If she were to decide she didn't want to see me anymore, well then that means GOD has someone else in mind for me.  I don't see that happening but I do know that I am fine with or without her.  That is a huge change for me.  I just don't make anyone or thing the center of my world anymore.  My sobriety, my contact with my HP and my life are what stand in the middle fo my world.  My sponsor says the only thing I have control over and therefore need to worry about much - is everything inside my circle.  When I first started working with him and was worrying or whatever about all kinds of stuf, he said - I'm gonna buy you a hoolahoop.  Then everything inside it will be stuff you can worry about..  Anything more is just extra stuff.  

I'm on a natural high today and I will bring myself down to about oh a 6.5 here pretty soon simply for the fact that what goes up, must come down and I'm not sure I want to have such a huge fall when it does.(lol)  

Anyway, life is good today.  Recovery is good.  GOD is good.  I am starting to see the promises come true.  

If you want what I have then do what I do.. Period.

Hungry, somewhat - so I will find some nourishment.  Angry - NOPE...  Lonely - yes I miss my baby..  Tired - a bit..  Ready for the flight home so I can sleep...

I will see some of you on that road to happy destiny.. May GOD bless you and keep you until then.

Greg

Okay, so lately I have been through some trials and tests of my recovery.  I guess first and foremost was the fact that I went out and bought a new car.  Well I thought I did anyway.  They called(the dealer) two weeks later and told me I had to return the car because they couldn't get the deal done.  Well, suffice it to say, I was PISSED!  I had signed the contracts, transferred it into my name and all that stuff.  I can't believe they can do that but they did and it was all very legal.  Okay so anyway, that was a HUGE traumatic experience.  I had all kinds of feelings rush up inside me.  Well, anyway to get to the point that I'm working towards here....

Over the last 9+ months, things have really honestly been changing.  I could go into all of the changes but suffice it to say that apparently I'm growing...  At least according to people around me.  You know, I talked to Dutch tonight and he is just so very happy to see what is going on with me.  9 months ago I didn't have a job, a car, a license, a place to live or even a pot to piss in.  Today I have all of those things.  I can truly say that it is because of recovery and GOD(of my understanding) that I have these things today.  I'm not going to rant and rave about stuff but lets just say this.... GOOD shit is happening in my life today.  I honestly can't believe it!  I can honestly say today that recovery ROCKS!

Okay so tonight I was at a new meeting that I've started attending since I got a car.(oh yeah - the one I gave back without a fight was replaced by the grace of GOD, thru someone I know from recovery)...  Anyway, on Wed nights I go to a candlelight NA mtg at the Serenity shop.  I went one night because a friend of mine is the secretary of the mtg.  I went to support him and I've been going every since then.  Its a small meeting, its very intimate(not that way), its just a meeting I like.  You know, I don't find too much recovery in NA, but this meeting is one I'm adding to my list of good meetings.  So anyway, I seen a girl take a 1 yr cake tonight.  Some thoughts started going through my head as the meeting progressed.  Thoughts like, "you know, I have a pretty good life today" and "man I can't fuck this up again", etc....  So, something dawned on me at that moment. 

What is it that I have been doing for the last 9 months to get me where I am.  Prayer, meetings, step work, helping others, meditation and all of the things they tell us to do.  So, in theory - if I was doing that stuff lets say even half assed and I got all of the gifts I have today... Well, if I double up on my recovery, there is no telling what will happen.  I mean, its like I told my roommate tonight.  If I was using and I found some really good dope, lets say I bought a teener of some good stuff.  Well, first chance I got, I would go back and get double the next time because it was so good.  So if my theory holds correctly, if I double up on my recovery - I will get the benefits that I can't even see as of yet.  

I have always heard it said by the old timers, "What I have today is better than I could have ever imagined." and as a result of hearing that and never believing them - today I am seeking out what it is that they have gotten which is soooo amazing.  As a result, I'm redirecting my focus back onto my recovery even moreso that I had in the beginnning.  I mean, its really easy to get side tracked with life.  Good things start happening and life starts taking on meaning.  I have things to do today.  I have people in my life, etc.  When I came into recovery, I had none of those things.  People didn't want to talk to me or be around me.  So the only reason I have what I have today is because of what I did in recovery.  I can't let the fact that I have a life today, steer me away from what got me the life in the first place.  I need to double up on my recovery now in order to see more of the gifts.  Maybe this is a selfish thing but the fact is, I want MORE!  Just like any good addict does.(lol)  I've gotten a pretty good taste of the good life again and now I want more as opposed to just coasting.  

So it holds true that if I want more than I have now, I must DO more than I did to get me where I am.  TRUE?  TRUE!  Recovery has turned my life upside down and put me back into the mainstream all over again.  In order to keep it I must continue to do the things that the old timers did.  I need to find me a newcomer to help.  I need to carrry the message as much as possible.  I need to be in service more.  I need to quit procrastinating on my 8th step.  I need to spend more time with older men in recovery.  I need to do more prayer and meditation.  I need MORE! MORE! MORE!

Life is good today for me.  Life is just good.  It is a good thing to wake up in the morning and be excited about what the day has to bring.  I remember days in which I didn't want to get out of bed, or I had never WENT to bed in the first place.  I remember hating mornings because I didn't want to watch all of the "normal" people doing every day living.  I was burying myself in the drugs to get away from what I thought I would never have.  Well, today I am one of those people I avoided.  I get up in the morning, shower, shave, etc.. I go to the starbucks and grab a cup o joe, then head to the office for a full days work.  Funny thing is, I actually look forward to work.  I have never experienced that before.  I WANT to go to work.  WTF is that????  

All I can say is Thank GOD for AA and NA.  Without it, I would be a ship without a sea.  Today I enjoy the journey.  Life is just good.  I needed to write this stuff down because I'm sure a bad day will come and this will help me to remember what it is that I do in order to maintain GOOD days.  

I'm off to bed now because I GET to go to work tomorrow.  AND they actually PAY me to do it!  Go figure!  Its amazing...

G

Back by popular demand....  Here I am, once again blogging.  Someone gave me a nudge tonight and I thought Hmmm.... Maybe I am actually helping someone in their recovery by blogging my daily life.  Who knows.

Lets see, whats been going on in this 2wisted mind lately.  This time around, recovery is treating me rather well.  You know, I have almost 9 months now and life is going okay.  I can't say it is great, but I can say it is okay.  I am growing and changing.  It has become even obvious to ME now.  Many people have been pointing out changes in me but I didn't really notice them.  Well, last night I did something that I don't recall ever doing before.  I handled a situation differently than I had ever done so in my past.  It was a strange sensation but in the end I felt much better about myself.

You know, through working the steps(1-8 so far) I have found a bit of my self respect.  I have found out who Greg is and you know what?  I kind of like him.  I think he is generally an alright guy.  I don't really know whats going on in my head tonight.  I guess I can be honest.  I'm happy.  I didn't have a valentine tonight and yet I'm happy and content with staying home where it is warm(its freeeeeeeeeezing outside) and I'm comfortable.

Recently I've been toying with the whole idea of GOD.  You know, when I came back into the rooms this time I swore up and down that there was no GOD.  Just ask any of my friends.  Everyone was pretty concerned about it because I have always been one to swear there was a GOD and that I could prove it.  When someone of my faith loses faith, it is a pretty serious thing, particularly in recovery.  In this deal, if a person has NO GOD, they are in serious trouble.  Well anyway, here a while back I was reading my daily reflections(as I do every morning) and the topic was GOD.  I can't quote it directly and I can't even friggin find it again but the message was something along the lines of this:  If you don't believe in GOD, go ahead and pray anyway.  He will do the rest.  

That brings to mind a healthy debate I had once with someone who was not believing in GOD and was actually an Athiest.  He was an educated man.  He is actually still one of my very close friends.  He can debate the nonexistence of GOD better than anyone I know.  Well at the time, I was a "soldier" for the belief in GOD.  This was last year sometime.  Anyway, he placed his argument at length.(he talks 5 times as much as me)  Once he had presented his entire argument and position on the subject of there not being a GOD, I merely asked him one question.  I simply said, "Yes, I understand what you are saying but... What if there IS a GOD?"  I told him at that time that I would rather waste a few minutes or more a day just in the slight chance that there IS a GOD, as opposed to not doing it and then finding out later that I screwed myself.(lol)  He could not debate that one bit.  Incidentally, within the last 6 months - his daughter got very sick and he called me... He wanted me to pray for her.  He said, "Greg I know this is a strange request from me, but would you mind?"  Of course I didn't mind.  Now he isn't necessarily a totally committed believer but I will tell you this... His daughter is better now and he is very grateful.  

Anyway, recently I read something about the fact that GOD does not test us.  It is just life and situations.  He does not cause them, he merely stands with us as we go through the trials and tribulations of daily living.  The difference is in what we ask of him.  If we ask him to stand with us, we are stronger and he is pleased to do it.  If we don't, he is like the father that has to sit back and watch his child make a mistake but can't help.  I could give so many analogies to this.

 Anyway, I'm getting tired now.  I will try and blog more often.  I am told I have a responsibility to the newcomers.  So maybe, just maybe this blog will help someone.  Who knows.

I'm so very grateful to be clean and sober today.  

Hungry - No, I had pasta.  Angry - Nope, pretty happy actually.  Lonely - No, I have a GOD.  Tired - yes, so I'm going to finish up and get to bed.

PS.  I'm going to send out mass invites for a few.  After that it will once again be by subscription only.  I get annoyed when I get all those mass invites to blogs I don't read and duplicate notifications for the ones I DO read.(lol)
 

The last week has been very strange.  It all started with the Christmas party for the company I work for.  It was quite the event actually.  Anyway, to summarize - it was held in the city, right smack dab in the middle of where I spent a good portion of my time using in San Diego.  I was seriously in my disease when I was running a'muck down there.  

It was an extreme night of feelings, lets put it that way.  Going back into the midst of my disease, Alone.  As I was riding the train into the city, my anxiety level increased exponentially as I grew closer and closer.  I did the wise thing and called my sponsor so he knew where I was.  He told me to call him when I made it back home, to pay attention while I was there and bail out if need be.  Anyway, I stuck it out and watched everyone get tanked.  It was a good time, somewhat.  I finally bailed out about midnight and made my way back home.  As I grew closer to my home, I started relaxing more and more.  I called him at 1:30, when I was back in my house - safe and sound.  

The next day I woke up feeling particularly uncomfortable, so I called him and he came to get me.  We spent a good part of the day together doing mtg after mtg.  That evening he dropped me off and I had successfully made it through a very challenging time.  

The next day(Monday) I turned 41 and it was a rather emotional day.  It was quite an experience actually.  They had a party for me at the office.  Cake, Ice Cream and all that.  It was kinda kewl.  I was pretty much on an emotional hangover come Tuesday.  So the week started off with me feeling feelings that I don't necessarily like.

In the process of trying to decide on gifts for some special people, I came across a very old chain with an AA medallion that I bought when I had my very first exposure to Alcoholics Anonymous over 15 years ago.  It has been with me through so much.  I have lost so many things over the years and this is one of very few things I have held onto. 

As I was pondering over memories, I realized that the medallion has always been a symbol of the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.  It was always there, just as the rooms are.  It's really hard to relay the feelings I have been going through over the past week, but suffice it to say - they have been extremely intense.  Very foreign to me, these feelings are.

To summarize the whole thing, I can say this.  Weird things have been happening lately.  Strange things inside me.  Strange reactions from people around me.  Strange moments of clarity.  Strange feelings.  Strange and random things that I have just never experienced as long as I can remember. 

For so long I have been covering up feelings with some form of "feeling killer" or other.  Whether it be drugs, alcohol, sex, women, perfectionism, work or whatever else I can't think of at the moment.  I have, for as long as I can remember - even many times "around" recovery, covered up feelings.  I don't think I have ever known who I really am.  

Someone very special to me who has been a constant in my life for almost 15 years, asked what I will be doing for Christmas this year.  You know, I can afford to do whatever it is I want to do this year.  Life is good.  Well, I told her that I will be doing what I always do when I am in recovery.  I will be spending my holiday at the marathon meetings, serving food and participating in recovery. 

Why will I be doing that?  Because when I came searching for help so many times in the rooms of Alcholics Anonymous, someone was always there to show me the way.  If I can give nothing more back, I can be there when someone comes. 

Life is taking some really weird turns lately.  That is all I can say.  Something I never thought I would say is,  today I may not have everything I want, but I definitely have everything I need and so much more.  

Today my father said,

"I think you are finally growing up."

and after a meeting tonight, my sponsor said,

"Sometimes you amaze me Greg."

I'm not really sure what they meant but all I do know is my father sounded happy and my sponsor told me he wants to see me tomorrow after my last DUI class.  

I am not sure I have ever told anyone this but the fact is, I have NEVER had a California drivers license.  When I moved here over 10 years ago, I just never got it.  Then I picked up my DUI back in 2001 so I COULDN'T have one until I completed the classes.  Tomorrow I complete my last class.  All my fines are paid and GOD willing, sometime in January, I will be driving legally for the very first time in the state of California.  That is a really big deal for an alcoholic like me.

 
You know, back when I first came into the rooms, the thing that gave me chills every time I heard it was "A Vision for You".  The promises come after step 9 but "A Vision for You" is, in my opinion, the most powerful paragraph in the Big Book of Alcholics Anonymous.  It gave me chills everytime I heard it or read it and it still does to this day.  With that said, here is a vision for you.  Until next time, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us.

Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven’t got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.

Abandon yourself to God as you understand God.

Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past.

Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.

May God bless you and keep you—until then.

  Greg

"Whenever anyone, anywhere reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA Always to be there.  And for that, I am responsible."

Well here I am.... Have I omitted anything?  No, I don't think so.  Is my work solid so far?  I think I did well, so yes - I'm confident my work is solid.  Are the stones properly in place?  Well, my sponsor says they are.  Have I skimped on cement?  No, I think I used good stuff.  Did I make mortar without sand?  No, I think I used some high quality sand...

 Those that know what those questions pertain to should know where I am at today.  I am building an arch through which I will walk a free man.  I have built it solid and on firm bedrock.  I kept nothing out.  I scrimped nowhere.  Spared no expense.  It was grueling work but I built it as best I could.  Yes, it is built and I'm walking through it.  After quite an afternoon of hard work and soul searching, I have successfully progressed and with GOD's help, I can be fit for service to him. 

It is truly through the grace of a GOD of MY understanding that I am clean and sober today.  I had nothing to do with it whatsoever.  I merely show up and do what is in front of me.  I am going through some strange changes lately.  People that have been close to me for some time see differences in me.  Some that they don't like.  I talked about those people with my sponsor today.  He said, well if they don't like you then you can find new friends.(lol)  Some won't like the real me and yet some will.  Those who know what I am doing and have done it themselves will fully understand the changes I am going through.  

There is a saying around the rooms that I hear quite often.  "Those who have taken the steps know those who have taken the steps.  Those who have not taken the steps, don't know SHIT!"  I love that saying.  The steps truly are the solution.  I know why now.  I can see it.  It's funny to hear myself say that.  Anyway, today is a good day.  I'm exhausted from the task, but it has been completed.  We will see what GOD has in store for me now.  

 Abandon yourself to GOD as you understand GOD.  Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows.  Clear away the wreckage of your past.  Give freely of what you find and join us.  We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.  May GOD bless you and keep you--- Until then. [BB 164] 

G

Well well well.  Its been awhile.  :))  Well what has a 2wisted Servant been up to?  Let me tell you!  Life is in session. 

Okay, about recovery.  I finally had to let my old sponsor go. :(  He was unable to make the time to get my work done.(the steps)  So, I went out and found a new one.  So far he is, for me, better.  He's got 21 yrs and has some of the best recovery I've seen.  He speaks about "The Solution".  He understands me completely and we get along great.  

I am going through some very interesting changes, thats for sure.  They are good changes though and thats all I have to say about that. 

New sponsor (check)

New life (check)

Recovery(check)

Steps (check)

A higher power(check)

This one goes out to that special someone.... 

Well here I am again....  Lets see... Whats up today? Well I'm back online regularly now.  I went out and spent a small fortune to be online at home, but you know what?  Because of the program and me being clean and sober - I HAVE the money that it required.  For that I am grateful.  :))

I seen my sponsor last night and he was back to normal.  I am not sure but I think alot of our problems involved the fact that he was working WAAAY too much and irritable.  Anyway, last night we talked and for now I will be remaining with him.  I let him know that I'm ready to get on my steps so I can get some recovery going and change my life.  The steps are the solution.  Those that have done them, know those who haven't.  Those that haven't, don't know shit.  At least thats what they tell me.(lol)  So right now I don't know shit and I want to know, so I'm focused on getting thru the steps.  One way or another.  

Went to my Friday night mtg and it as always, was good.  Tonight I have my Saturday night meeting and I'm looking forward to that also.  Hopefully I will see my sponsor tomorrow and talk some more about where I'm going with this whole recovery process.  He asked me last night if I were still going to participate in the Activities we have planned.  He said, they all want me to be a part of the events.  I told him that of course I will if I am needed.  Its all about giving what has so freely been given to me today.  

Life is going well today.  Recovery has given me my life back and I'm grateful for that.  I look back to where I was 2 months ago and it seems like years ago.  Today I'm focused on cleaning up the wreckage of my past and changing the way I live.  I'm looking forward to the steps changing the way I FEEL inside.  I still have a tough time with some things but I know that the steps will help me get thru it all.  GOD is with me today.  I get up every morning and ask that GOD show me what he would have me be.  I ask that he help me to do HIS will and not mine.  Sometimes that is hard.  I truly want to see what this GOD of my understanding has planned for me.  For so long I have heard people say that what they have today is better than what they could have ever dreamed of.  I hear that from people who have a GOD in their life, have worked the steps and are trusting that GOD has a plan.  Today I trust that GOD has a plan. :))

 And... Until next time, I will keep breathing... I never know what the tide might bring in...

G

Just touching base real quick here.  Lets see, what has recovery done for me today.  Hmmm.  Well, I get to go to work every day.  I recently paid off my DUI school to get my license back after many years of not doing that.  I get to go to class and learn more about alcoholism and drug addiction as a result.(lol)  Lets see, I have plenty of money in my pocket today.  I eat regularly and am starting to put on some weight again.  I don't know if that is necessarily a good thing but I'm told it looks good on me. Hmmm.  What else...  I have new friends. I have a GOD in my life who I am trying to get closer to.  

I am grateful for:

• being clean
• being sober
• Having a bed
• Having food
• Having money
• AA/NA
• 12SS
•  The people in my life(U know who u are)
• My job
• My family
• GOD in my life
• Coffee
• Clothes(new)
• The steps
• the traditions
• the principles
• The air I breathe
• Trees
• Green stuff
• That I live in such a beautiful place(beaches - lol)
• The public transit system
• My health
• and more and more and more....

What will I do for my recovery today...  Hmmm.  I will continue to do what is in front of me for the day.  I will guard my serenity as a dragon guards his lair.  I will attend my new meeting tonight(looking forward to that).  I will read from the 12X12 before bed.  I will fellowship with others(men).  I will say my prayers before bed and I will reach out to a newcomer and try to share my experience, strength and hope with him.  I will continue to evaluate candidates for taking me thru the steps.  I will not pick up today.

Well there you have it.  Thats what happens today in the life of a 2wisted Servant.  I will continue to breathe because I never know what the tide might bring in.

Until next time, 

 G

Just a quick post to touch base.  Life is going okay today.  I am enjoying my job quite a bit.  I am focused on working and cleaning up the wreckage of my past.  I'm sponsor shopping as a result of circumstances that just can't seem to be reversed.  I have picked up my Big Book once again and actually last night I started reading in the 12X12.  I ran out of novels to read before bed so, walla!  Nah, I've been meaning to buy a new 12X12 and last night a roommate gave me one.  

Lets see.  Doing alot of meetings it seems.  Just by nature of the proximity to a meeting hall, really.  I am developing some new connections in recovery though.  That is always a good thing.  

I don't know, I'm kinda blah about the whole thing really.  I am trying very hard to reconnect with my HP but it seems to be a bit difficult at the time.  Been doing lots of prayer and stuff.  This too shall pass.

I'm good though...60 days this week.  Seems like forever~!  

Okay, so as usual - I will keep breathing for another day; I never know what the tide might bring in.

So I thought I'd better touch base with whats been going on with me lately.  I just got back from my trip.  It was pretty good.  Busy with work but good.  I did get to a meeting up there and that was different and very good.  They did some things different but I actually found it to be better in a way.  There were about 50 people in the meeting(AA) and after doing the readings, which they did a bit differently, they broke up into groups of about 10 people.  We went outside and sat in circles in the park area.  Each small group had a different topic to discuss and you chose which discussion you wanted to participate in.  I went with Step 1/Tradition 3.  What was neat about it is that because of the smaller groups, everyone got to share.  They just went around the circle and talked on the subject for a few minutes.  It was great.  I got to share about Tradition 3 and a bit of my recovery.

It's so nice to know that wherever I go, I have friends.  Recovery is like a community within a community.  We are everywhere.  I immediately felt right at home.  Walked in grabbed a cup of coffee and went out to smoke cigarrettes with the others.  We had the meeting after the meeting for a bit and I left feeling quite refreshed.  It had been a long and hectic week.  I really needed to get that boost from a meeting.

Well, I am getting ready for the normal daily duties of work, meetings and cleaning up wreckage.  I did miss home.  Its funny but I didn't realize how much of an impact this sober living is having on me.  I was glad to be back at the house with the guys.  

Recovery is good today.  I'm enjoying life.  I look forward to getting up in the morning.  I am tired at the end of the day.  I feel like I'm contributing to life once again.  My prayer life was enhanced a bit on my trip.  It seems like GOD's country up there.  So peaceful and serene.  I think the trip was a good thing for me.  I needed to get away for a bit.  I'm getting ready to finish up my fourth step and I did speak with my sponsor about that.  There is still some uncomfortableness between us but I'm hoping with time that will pass.

Anyway, I'm focused on moving forward and doing the things that I haven't done for a long time.  Recovery isn't an all consuming part of my life today but it is a part.  Without recovery I would not have been blessed with the opportunities I have today.  Without recovery I wouldn't have so many things.  Recovery once again has saved my life.  I do hope that I never lose this thought.  It seems that I can get so sowed up in life and then I forget the fact that I have everything today because of my recovery.  Without it I would have nothing.  I need to remember where I came from.  Like I have said before, I'm not in the sprint today, I'm focused on the marathon.  We shall see.  History shows that I tend to forget this.  

I can say one thing though.  My thought process seems to have changed a little.  I'm actually evaluating things on the basis of whether it could possibly affect my serenity in the future.  If I think it could affect my serenity and jeopardize my recovery, I think twice about it.  I'm not doing this perfectly but I'm doing it nevertheless.

Thanks to all for being part of my support group.  Until next time, I will keep breathing.  I never know what the tide might bring in.

Greg

You know, I cannot deny that recovery does have its perks.  Lets see, I have almost 2 months once again and life is going well.  I would not so much say I'm on the pink cloud but I can say that recovery has given me some gifts.  I am attending meetings regularly and have found 2 very good ones right across the street from my house.  I also am attending 2 mens meetings and both of them are rather good too.  Don't get me wrong...  I've had some situations that I've had to deal with over the last month and a half but the funny thing is that when I'm clean/sober, I seem to deal with situations a bit better. ;)  Go figure...

There was a little problem with my sponsor and we were on the outs for a bit there but I believe things are coming back around.  He really is an awesome man.  He does know about recovery.  He does live recovery and he does walk the walk that he talks at meetings.  I've pretty much put alot of decision making in his hands.  It seems that for me, I don't take direction very well.  I seem to want to be the "director" of my life.  The problem is, the sum total of all my decisions thru life is 0.  In other words, the decisions I've made seem to not necessarily be the right decisions. Anyway, he's helping me to better make good decisions about many things today.  

I guess recovery has done quite a bit for me.  2 months ago, I was faced with being homeless, broke, hungry, and without much hope.  I reached out to the program once again and what happened?  Life started getting better. 

So far, quite a few things have really changed.  Recovery ALLOWS me to go to work every day.  My sponsor says he doesn't like it when someone says they HAVE to go to work, he much more prefers to hear, I GET to go to work today because I'm clean and sober.  Today I can honestly say that thanks to recovery, I'm smiling again.  I'm able to laugh again.  I sleep well and with a clear conscience.  I am a contributing member of society once again.  I have a purpose.  This is not to say that there aren't some aspects of my life that I'd like to change but alas, GOD(of my understanding) has a plan.  Don't really know what it is but today he has shown me a glimpse of it.

I was blessed with a very good job and it seems they like me quite a bit.  I don't foresee being unemployed again unless I choose to be.  I've got some really exciting things happening today all because of recovery.  

I do maintain that I'm not necessarily "on fire" for recovery but I am seeing that recovery is a much better answer today.  Don't ask me about tomorrow cuz it could change.  Chances are it won't change any time soon but who knows.  I do know this...  When I was clean, my life was okay.  When I picked up, my life IMMEDIATELY got much worse.  It is amazing to me just how rapidly it deteriorated.  

I don't want to go into it too much, but I can say this also... I have a very "interesting" person in my life today.  Funny how when you aren't looking, something falls out of the sky right into your lap.(lol)  Even so, I'm still sticking by the whole(sponsor guided) timeout from "relationships".  He did approve of this person though.  Finance and Romance will take us out quicker than anything else; unless we are spiritually fit.  So, I'm trying to become more spiritually fit. :))

I pray daily, sometimes(most times) multiple times a day.  I do have my meditation time daily(something I wasn't doing before).  I do talk to people in recovery today.(more men than women incidentally)  I don't know... Life is a journey.  I truly believe that nothing happens by mistake.  Its just a matter of whether I want to learn the lesson the first time or suffer more pain until I learn it.  Maybe I have learned some lessons over the past year.  Who knows.  I won't know until the situation(s) present themselves once again.  

Until next time, I will keep breathing... I never know what the tide might bring in....

G

You know, I cannot deny that recovery does have its perks.  Lets see, I have almost 2 months once again and life is going well.  I would not so much say I'm on the pink cloud but I can say that recovery has given me some gifts.  I am attending meetings regularly and have found 2 very good ones right across the street from my house.  I also am attending 2 mens meetings and both of them are rather good too.  Don't get me wrong...  I've had some situations that I've had to deal with over the last month and a half but the funny thing is that when I'm clean/sober, I seem to deal with situations a bit better. ;)  Go figure...

There was a little problem with my sponsor and we were on the outs for a bit there but I believe things are coming back around.  He really is an awesome man.  He does know about recovery.  He does live recovery and he does walk the walk that he talks at meetings.  I've pretty much put alot of decision making in his hands.  It seems that for me, I don't take direction very well.  I seem to want to be the "director" of my life.  The problem is, the sum total of all my decisions thru life is 0.  In other words, the decisions I've made seem to not necessarily be the r

Well this weekend has been full of fun and excitement.  Yesterday I got up and was kidnapped by a friend.  We went to Pride and had a blast.  Lots of bands, good food, fun, friends.  It was just what I needed.  My weekends are going to be full it seems.  During the week its work, meetings and rest.  The weekend is for fun in the sun. :))  So far it seems that all is working out as planned.  I work daylights, get nights off, don't take work home and I have my weekends free.  Soon I will be the quintessential SoCal guy.  There were times recently when I missed the railroad and the money I made but the intention was to not work so much and actually have a life.  It seems that all of my hard work, starvation and such is paying off.  

Recovery is okay today.  I still don't have the bug but maybe I'm not supposed to this time around.  Maybe just living recovery day by day and not riding that pink cloud is the way its supposed to be.  I go to meetings because I have to in order not to drink.  Recovery is NOT my life today though.  Recovery is merely my medicine.  I do take it almost daily but I don't take it morning, noon and night.  I guess if someone were to ask me what I'm gonna do different this time, my answer would be I'm living day by day, taking it a moment at a time and planning for the marathon, not the sprint.  

I am very much looking forward to getting my license back and being on the road again.  I've already been looking at cars and trucks.  Should not be long now.  Just a mere minute away.  

I can honestly say that life is good today.  I'm grateful I found my way back to recovery.  I'm grateful I'm Kleen.  I'm grateful I have a place to sleep.  I'm grateful for my job.  I'm grateful for my friends. I'm grateful for my spons and I'm grateful for 12ss.

I do have some sort of a GOD in my life again.  I do pray often.  I do meditate again.  What I don't do today is place myself in situations that will jeopardize my serenity.  I like it much better this way.  Drama SUCKS.  Being Clean and Serene is the way to go.  

I will keep breathing for another day.  I never know what the tide might bring in.

G

Well, I guess it's about time to check in here.  Life has taken a big turn.  I'm clean another day.  Coming up on a month this weekend.  Seems like much longer but...  Lets see...  Been spending a lot of time with the sponsor and men in the program.  Considering that I live with 15 other guys, thats easy.  :))  I still wouldn't say that I've got the recovery bug but I'm staying clean for today so that is all that really counts at the moment.  Hopefully I will get the bug again.  

I have reconciled with my GOD a bit.  My prayer life seems to be getting better.  Meetings are just meetings but prayer and meditation seem to be changing the way I feel.

You know, my sponsor told me about 2 weeks ago that he was just waiting for me to start work and that things would change then.  He said that work and recovery are complimentary.  Well, I started my new job and it seems that my attitude has changed considerably.  I get up very early, go to work, put in a good 10 hr day and then by the time I get home, I'm ready to eat dinner, hit a mtg, and pass out.  This week has been pretty good.  I have money in my pocket, I'm already starting to clean up some of the wreckage I've made and looking forward to taking care of more.

I don't really know what else to say here.  I'm clean, I do meetings, I have a sponsor, I have a GOD (once again - thanx Amber) and I'm doing okay today.

Considering the fact that I don't air my dirty laundry here anymore, it seems my blogs will be much shorter.(lol)  Oh and toss in the fact that I'm buying a plant for my office(if ya know what that means), I'm doing okay today.  :))

Recovery is okay today.  Life is okay today.  So, with that I will keep breathing for another 24 hrs because I never know what the tide might bring in.  

Thank GOD for AA/NA...

G 

Today is not such a great day really. Friday I tried to be supportive and caring of someone I am very fond of.  I did my best to stay in the positive position that my friend needed at the time.  I tried to show love and compassion for someone in need at the time.  You see, we became so close that even when we aren't in contact, I seem to know when something is wrong.  I broke my silence and reached out.  I don't know if it helped or not but I do know this.  It caused me great pain to do it.  Afterwards I felt hurt and a lot of pain once again.  I just wish things would have worked out differently. 

I will always care but I've come to the conclusion that I must care from a distance.  I cannot place myself in a position to have my serenity in jeopardy at this time.  Maybe some day we will be able to talk and look back on the insanity.  I don't know.  It does not seem possible at this time.  My sponsor was pretty unhappy with the fact that I broke my silence.  I did it because I truly care about her.  I really do.  I wish so much I could wave a magic wand and make the past disappear but that is not gonna happen.  I can't continue to place myself in situations which bring up feelings that I don't know how to deal with.  I'm doing my best today to deal with the loss.  Today I can't seem to get my